You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Sep 2007
Memo to Dan Friedman: UH, DUDE? SERIOUSLY?
Yesterday, in what will surely go down as a definitive work of research, I told you about all the reasons they're going to cite when they bomb the shit out of Iran. But thanks to Dan Friedman, I can tell you the real reason. It makes their dicks hard.
I know it sounds like the usual leftist peacenik claim, but it's true. And Friedman laid it all out in an article for the oxymoronically named "American Thinker", titled "Where Bush Went Wrong In Iraq, And How He Can Correct It Now". If you like stupid, I hope you brought a doggie bag, because Friedman serves it up in portions that could choke a hippo.
Even before we get to his actual premise, fucker has to firmly establish his racist bonafides in a way so blatant it will fuck with your head and make you think you've been transported to a 1930s jungle adventure movie. Grab your pith helmet, it's ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"These Muslim street food vendors -- mostly Middle Eastern men who can be seen praying on mats beside their carts -- are now nearly as ubiquitous, and popular, as New York's iconic hot dog stands. They deserve their success: the food is very good and it's priced right. Still, one might wonder whether this New York Jew living in a post-9/11 world finds the Big Apple's epicurean Islamicization a worrisome trend. No, honestly, I'm not nervous about it. Here's why. When I belly up for my chicken on pita, these men invariably greet me with cheerful deference, often referring to me as 'boss.' That polite gratuity is a clear sign they understand their standing the melting pot can only be maintained through good citizenship and proper behavior. To put it bluntly, their instincts tell them the Muslim community isn't on top in polyglot America."
Yes, that's right, ladies and gentlemen! Muslims are A-OK in Dan Friedman's book! As long as they show him the proper deference, call him "boss", and give him his goddamned chicken on pita. And all the ones who don't do that? Well, they need to be fucking bombed into the Stone Age so that George W. Bush's dick can get hard again, and thus, by proxy, America's dick can get hard again. Which means Dan Friedman's dick can get hard again.
Think I'm still overreacting? Think I'm still not giving Dan Friedman the proper, oh, what's the word... DEFERENCE? I think it's time for another quote. Just a palate-cleanser before the main event. Here's how he describes Iraq at the time of the Mission Accomplished banner:
"An occupier's dream, putty in our hands, an Arab nation bloodied and bowed with the man in the street obliged to greet us with polite deference and ask, "hot sauce or white sauce, boss?" America was on top in Iraq -- but it would not be for long."
You see, the problem was, we were too nice. We tried to bring the savages democracy when they didn't even have a word for it in their language*. We should have locked down the borders, pacified the population, and used the fortified, meek nation of humble new street food vendors to launch an attack on Iran. But we fucked it up, and now Iraq's a mess, and nobody's calling anybody "boss". If only there were some completely insane motherfucker with a plan to fix it instantly, completely ignoring geopolitical reality! OH, WAIT, THERE IS:
"All the damaging consequences of all the blunders the President has committed to date in Iraq are reversible in 48- to 72-hours - the time it will take to destroy Iran's fragile nuclear supply chain from the air... The Iranians are no longer a nuclear threat, and won't be again for at least another decade... Next, the Iranians would do nothing... They would stand before mankind with their pants around their ankles, dazed, bleeding, crying, reduced to bloviating from mosques in Teheran and pounding their fists on desks at the UN... Strong tremors would be felt throughout the Islamic ummah. 'Just as we feared, they finally called our bluff. We pushed America to the limit and America pushed us back twice as hard. Looks who's the dhimmi now!'... Democratic politicians are dumbstruck, silent for a week... The elections in November are a formality. Republicans keep the White House and recapture both houses of Congress. Hillary is elected president - of the Chappaqua PTA.
Right there is where I'm pretty sure Dan Friedman came in his pants.
Once again, I have to emphasize that I am not shitting you here. This guy thinks that three days of bombing Iran will turn the world stage into the end of an 80's teen movie - the bully humiliated, the girl won, and the entire school carrying the unlikely hero around on their shoulders, chanting his name. Apparently foreign policy has one notch below "He tried to kill my daddy" on the juvenile scale, and Dan Friedman occupies it proudly.
So when the bombs start dropping on Iran, let's not have any fucking delusions about why this is happening, OK? It's not about nukes, it's not about security, it's not about interfering in Iraq, it's not about a crazy, Holocaust-denying, gay-denying bastard of a president. It's because having Muslims call them "boss" gets their dicks hard, and it's not happening nearly enough for their liking. End of story. Now go order a goddamned T-shirt.
*Friedman's actual claim, which I cannot possibly believe is true.