Archive - Sep 5, 2007


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They're crazy. They're stupid. They are, at the very minimum, metaphorically motherfuckers. And they want you to vote for them, first in the primaries (all of which, by the way, were just bumped up to two weeks ago), and then in the general election. Yes, it's time for a special Crazy Motherfucking Presidential Candidate edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"If we leave [Iraq] under bad circumstances, we’re going to have a haven down there for terrorists. The whole area, I’m afraid, will become nuclearized. The Sunni countries are looking at what Iran is doing. And if we can’t help with stability in that part of the world, they’re going to help themselves, and they’re going to go nuclear." - All-but-presidential candidate Fred Thompson.

OK, first of all, NUCLEARIZED? After six and a half years of Babbly McSpeaksintongues running things, using the word "nuclearized" ought to be an automatic disqualification. In fact, I propose that we incorporate that Scrabble rule into the 2008 campaign. At any point, any candidate can challenge a word another one uses, and if a panel of linguists agree that it's not a fucking word, that candidate will be forced to withdraw from the race. That'll thin the herd a shitload more effectively than a bunch of Iowans walking around a civic center.

And second, if we somehow teleported every soldier, every diplomat, and every mercen... I mean "independent military contractor" out of Iraq right now, they're not going to be building centrifuges to enrich uranium tomorrow. And even if they did, they could only run them for about an hour a day, because that's how often the ELECTRICITY WORKS. As for the other Sunni countries, I'd love for Thompson to explain how our Iraq adventure is acting as a deterrent for, say, Saudi Arabia. Preferably without making up any new stupid words.

"It's time the taxpayer gravy train left the New Orleans station. The amount of money that has been wasted on these so-called ‘recovery’ efforts has been mind-boggling. Enough is enough. The mentality that people can wait around indefinitely for the federal taxpayer to solve all their worldly problems has got to come to an end. This whole fiasco has been a perfect storm of corruption and incompetence at all levels." - Tom Tancredo, who, in his defense, probably thinks New Orleans is in Mexico.

Thank goodness a Republican has come along to stop hurricane victims from getting all the aid they weren't getting anyway because of all that awful federal waste, fraud, and corruption that in no way could possibly be traced to the Republican president, the Republican congress, or individual Republican members of Congress who might now be running for President on a "get tough on flood victims and kill all the Mexicans" policy.

Here's a hint, douchebag. That's not gravy in those people's living rooms. It's mud. More accurately, it's STILL MUD. And just because YOUR federal government can't do a goddamn thing right doesn't mean THE federal government can't do a goddamned thing right. The problem isn't the car, it's all the drunk morons trying to steer it while giving each other handjobs. Not in a gay way, in a Republican way.

"Well, I guess the only comment I'd make to Fred Thompson would be: Why the hurry? Why not take a little longer to think this over? From my standpoint, if he wants to wait until January or February, that would be ideal." - Mitt Romney, running on his Least Likely To Flip Out And Kill You platform.

This isn't particularly crazy, or stupid, or banal. Or it wouldn't be, if it weren't Romney's attempt to address the issue that he's "too nice" to run a serious, vicious political campaign. The whole thing sounds like shameless manipulation to me. Who are these people talking about how nice Mitt Romney is, and how much is he paying them? Obama gets "not black enough" AND "too black", and Romney has to disabuse the notion that he's not a complete ratbastard, and surprise, surprise, he doesn't actually manage to pull it off. GO LIBERAL MEDIA.

"Iowa, for good reason, for constitutional reasons, for reasons related to the Lord, should be the first caucus and primary." - Proving my bipartisan nature, Democratic candidate Bill Richardson.

Bill, God created Adam, Eve, and Steve, not Adam, Iowa, and New Hampshire. The founding fathers guaranteed life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness, not life, Iowa, and... oh, fuck it.

This probably belongs in Comedy Court, since this latest tardbomb to drop out of the mighty Richardson gullet was later explained as a "bad joke" and pandering to the Iowa crowd, but I'll be damned if I'm going to convene an entire Comedy Court over an n-th tier fuckwit like Bill Richardson. The guy botched the "are gays born that way" question in a debate. Right in front of Melissa Etheridge. I wouldn't give him a day-old sandwich, much less a full day in Comedy Court.

And you'll pardon me if, in 2007, I'm just a LITTLE BIT FUCKING TOUCHY whenever a presidential candidate says any aspect of American life, even the Iowa caucus, is ordained by the Bible. It's like the old saying goes, four thousand times bitten, four thousand and first time shy, babe.