Archive - Sep 12, 2007
Straight Line Heaven
12 September, 2007 - 20:17 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Avril Lavigne: THANK YOU.
You know what the news is like on 9/11? I bet you do. Every fucking year it's the same. Are we safer? Are we less safe? Who gives a shit? We're really fucking safe. We were really fucking safe on September 10, 2001, and we're really fucking safe now. Yes, we've pissed off more Arabs than is wise, but that's really more of a concern to the 300,000 or so of us we've sent over there. Here, we simply do not get blown up often enough for "safer" or "less safe" to have any tangible meaning. And like so many things that lack tangible meaning, the news can't shut the fuck up about it.
The only thing different this year is that I heard Glenn Beck bitching that we were getting over 9/11 too quickly. Look, you stupid clown, you can only wear the hairshirt for so damn long before it's laundry day. Just because you don't notice the self-indulgent reek doesn't mean it's not there. And speaking of stupid and self-indulgent, have I mentioned how happy I am that Avril Lavigne exists?
Because Avril Lavigne is the Pons and Fleischmann of straight lines. Without even meaning to, she has tapped into one of the fundamental forces of comedy, and is radiating it into the atmosphere at a rate never before measured. Now, like the nerd-famed cold fusion experiment, it seems too good to be true. A setup. A hoax. Avril Lavigne did not really give Q Magazine a list of ten "commandments" full of comedy gold, did she?
Well, I've done my due diligence, seen the scans of the magazine page, and all I can say is, either she said these things, or Q Magazine wants us all to believe she did bad enough to get sued REALLY REALLY HARD if she didn't. But you'll understand my skepticism when you get a taste of ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"Listen, when you are 17 you don't know how to hold a conversation with an adult, and you pretty much don’t want to. But I learned to channel that annoyance into my music."
Oh, the wisdom she's gained now that she's 22. Of course, she apparently hasn't learned that when you're responsible for "Sk8er Boi", it's never a good idea to put the word "annoyance" within smelling distance of the phrase "my music". I mean, that's just asking for it.
"When the hurricane thing happened I went to my closet, filled six boxes of stuff and said to my assistant, 'take it to Katrina!' I also like to give stuff to people who are my "workers", especially if they don't make much money."
I see this paragraph the same way I saw those birds of paradise from Planet Earth. With complete and utter disbelief that such a specimen could exist in the wild. I mean, I could see building it, you know, with CGI, or a version of ELIZA tweaked to sound like the writers room at a lame sketch comedy show. But in 2007, I can't imagine a celebrity saying this in a magazine interview without getting a tranquilizer dart in her neck right after the words "hurricane thing", courtesy of her publicist. Because if Avril Lavigne's publicist doesn't keep a tranq gun handy at all times, then he or she is obviously not doing their fucking job.
"I'm not particularly religious, but I am spiritual. What kind? Feng shui, mostly, and energy. I'm good at picking up people's energy, like I'm receptive or something."
Oh, that's what it is. It all makes sense now. She's so receptive that she's actually subconsciously picking up the collective jaw-dropping astonishment of a world aghast that she exists, and it's overwhelming her to such a degree that we're mistaking it for "being a complete and utter idiot".
"I want to get into movies next, a lead role in a super cool indie flick. I've been looking at scripts for the past two years now and most of them have been shit, but I know I could be real good at it. I have an agent now, and everything."
You know how I know this comes straight from the Eternal Straight Line Wellspring, the zero point source of comedy springboards? She said "looking at scripts", not "reading scripts". Which is a distinction so vital to the resulting joke that Avril couldn't have come up with it herself. No, she's merely a conduit to an external force. You could call it feng shui, you could call it receptive or something, but I like to think of it as a force that surrounds us, and binds us, and allows us to point and laugh at stupid people.