Archive - Aug 29, 2007
Boise II Men
29 August, 2007 - 17:17 — Bryan Lambert
Memo to Larry Craig: MINNEAPOLIS WELCOMES YOU AND YOUR PENIS.
Before we even get started, I need to get this out of the way right now. This column is proving incredibly difficult to write - for the sole reason that there are way, way too many good titles to give it. And while the blogosphere has taken a couple of them (My Own Private Idaho, for example), they didn't catch them all. Here are some of my other ideas:
- Tap Three Times On The Restroom If You Want Me (it even scans!)
- Why Yes, I Da Ho
- Is That A Potato In Your Pocket Or Are You Just Horny?
- Schadenfreudian Slip
- Jumpin' Jiminy*
Now that that's out of the way, things become a lot easier. Oh, sure, repetition is a BIT problematic. I mean "anti-gay Republican turns out to be self-hating closet case busted for cruising" has gone from funny, to funny because it's true, to just plain true by now. Which could be the best thing ever to gay rights.
Because at this point, conservatives have two choices. They can support gay rights, or they can oppose gay rights and have the nation automatically assume that they're secretly gay. And the only person who hates being assumed gay more than closet cases are redneck hetero bigots. Which puts the whole lot of them in one huge fucking quandary, doesn't it?
The story's all over the non-Fox news, so I will spare you a blow-by-blow, as it were, of the details to focus on three things I see as fascinating.
First, he got busted in the men's room of the Minneapolis Saint Paul International Airport. This is the closest I've ever come to being in an actual place where a nationally famous illicit sex or sex solicitation incident happened, and I'd just like to say, EW. Not that the airport bathrooms aren't kept reasonably clean and nice, but the crowds! On the big list of erection-ruiners, a hundred dudes fresh off their connecting flight, trying to manage their flies with one hand and their oversized wheeled carry-on in the other, is pretty close to the top.
Second, his excuse that his foot was encroaching into the other stall because he has a "wide stance". Now, I'm a big guy. Six foot one. I mention this only because I had opportunity to use a narrow stall in a public restroom after hearing about Craig, and since the rest of the place was empty, I tried to see if a wide stance could get my foot into the Gay Danger Zone.
The answer is, surprisingly, yes. But only if your pants are up. If you're actually using the bathroom for shitting, your stance is only as wide as your waistband allows. And while Craig ain't svelte, the only way his foot could have strayed accidentally is if he was shitting at a 30 degree angle. And that's the last place in the world I want to be with a protractor.
And finally, one quick thing about his other excuse - that his hand was flailing around under the stall because he was picking up a piece of paper - a piece of paper the arresting officer said doesn't exist. But giving Craig the benefit of the doubt, does it really scream "I'm straight" to be so fastidious about clutter that you're compelled to pick up stray paper off of public bathroom floors? Not only is it a bit Queer Eye For The Straight Stall, but the guy's a US Senator and a Republican. That means he doesn't do things that other people do for him, including and especially cleaning up bathrooms.
Beyond those funny particulars, though, there really isn't anything that special about Larry Craig. He's one amongst many. Another name on the list, another "for a good time call" etched above the toilet paper roll of the body politic.
*Based on Craig's frequent use of the quaint term "Jiminy!" during his previous denials of his gayitude. No, I am not making that up.