Archive - Aug 24, 2007

Beyond Me

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Memo to Bob Allen: OK, YOU GOT ME.

Various other items and priorities have kept me, until now, from mentioning the single most fucking astonishing thing I saw while I was on vacation. Something so stupid that I literally cannot figure it out. It boggles my mind.

No, worse than that. It Boggles my mind. It takes all the words and letters that would normally be in my head, shakes them around, then spends sixty seconds making a bunch of new words out of them - words that make no sense when chained together.

You may remember the curious case of Bob Allen, Florida state representative, who just pled not guilty after being arrested for allegedly offering $20 to give an undercover cop a hummer. As Allen was a staunch Family Values Republican, this of course was hilarious.

While I was gone, as I'm sure many of you saw, police released Allen's post-arrest interview with police. In it, Allen said he only made the offer because he thought the undercover cop, a "stocky, black guy", was going to rob him.

Herein lies the source of my confusion. Because not only is there no way whatsoever in which Allen's excuse makes sense. there's also no way whatsoever in which Allen's decision to USE THAT EXCUSE makes sense.

I mean, let's start with the idea that he's telling the truth. Let's say that he's not gay. Doesn't love dick in the slightest. But he IS a screaming racist. So when he goes into the bathroom, he sees a stocky black guy, thinks he's about to get robbed, and panics. Now, it's not easy to put my feet into the shoes of a screaming racist panicking in a bathroom, but I can see how Allen thought any one of the following might be a good idea:

  • Leaving the bathroom.
  • Giving the guy money so he won't hurt you.
  • Offering to suck the guy off if he won't hurt you.

I'm not saying that some of these aren't hugely better ideas than others. I'm just saying I could see how Allen, possibly coming off a viewing of an Oz season set, might settle on any of these as a valid option. What I can't see is Allen settling on TWO of them. That's just bad bargaining. Offer the money first, and have the blowjob as your fallback position.

But that's fine. Allen's excuse makes no sense because he's probably lying like crazy. But what a lie! It's quite possibly the second-worst lie you could tell in that situation.* I've seen a lot of stupid, vile shit in my time doing this column, but I am completely bewildered by the thought process that led to this excuse.

Did he think it was plausible? Was he so racist that he thinks anyone would be so scared of a black guy in a bathroom that they'd do the same thing? Or is he so homophobic that he'd rather everyone thought he was incredibly racist than think he might like a bit of the old dirty sausage every now and then? What kind of man thinks that THAT is what he needs to say to escape punishment and evoke the sympathy of the masses?

And how the hell did someone that mentally deficient end up getting elected to public office... even in Florida?

*The worst lie, of course, being "I mistook the undercover cop for Hitler, and wanted to thank him for all the great work he did in the 40s with some cash and oral sex."