Archive - Jul 2007

July 27th

I Know From Disapproval

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Memo to Jim Naugle, poll-watchers, and Glenn Beck: YOU ARE DUMB.

I'll be going on vacation soon. Don't worry, gentle readers. I am making arrangements for your daily dose of vitriol and dick jokes to appear in this space, as if by MAGIC, while I'm gone. But just like you can't leave home for a couple of weeks without cleaning out the fridge, you can't leave the column for a couple of weeks without cleaning out the half-full jars of fruit spread that clog my research tabs. SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY!

We start with the mayor of Fort Lauderdale, Jim "Fucking Buffoon" Naugle, who thinks that no price is too high to achieve his ultimate goal - the elimination of gay sex from Fort Lauderdale's public restrooms.

Never mind that the Fort Lauderdale police say it's not a big problem. Jim Naugle knows better! How does he know better? The fuzzy intersection of rampant speculation and libel law means we should all probably just work it out in our own heads. Even if working it out in the head is what's got Naugle so upset. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"We're trying to provide a family environment where people can take their children who need to use the bathroom without having to worry about a couple of men in there engaged in a sex act." - Remember this, because it's going to be important in about 45 seconds.

His proposed solution? $250,000 "robo-johns", self-cleaning, computerized portable toilets that pop open after a short time. Presumably, the developers have spent years timing huge dumps and blowjobs, and have found the precise cutoff point where the assumption of constipation stops and the conclusion of fellatio is reached. But as many of you know, when you have kids, EVERYTHING TAKES LONGER.

if you're really trying to create a family environment for kids who need to pee, what's more traumatizing for your average eight year old? Some moans and thumps from the next stall? Or a technological monstrosity that pops open before you've finished your business and secured your matching Garanimal bottoms? One of these things will be strange and confusing. The other will make them NEVER WANT TO PEE AGAIN.


And speaking of exposed polls, here's a little tip for all you political junkies, especially those of you with right-wing blogs. When you hear that Bush's approval rating is, oh 27%, and Congress's approval rating is, oh, 14%, try to remember that one of those numbers is an apple, and the other one is an orange. A fake, plastic orange, only suitable for really ugly interior decoration.

The President is one person. If person A likes him, and person B does not, that judgment is at the very least made about the same fucking dude. They may have various reasons for their like or dislike, but they're operating on a somewhat common framework.

Congress, on the other hand, is well over five hundred different people. If you're a Republican, you don't like Congress because Brit Hume told you you weren't supposed to. And if you're a Democrat, you don't like them because they haven't skewered John Ashcroft, shackled Karl Rove, and passed single payer universal health care. And if you're an independent, you don't like them because independents don't like ANYBODY.

It's a no-win situation. Which means at least the Democrats should be comfortable with it by now. But more importantly, it's COMPLETELY MEANINGLESS. In the current political climate, I'd be terrified if Congress had a -high- approval rating. Because that would mean both sides had found common ground on which to pass legislation, and the only common ground politicians have these days is fucking over anyone who isn't a politician.


And finally, Glenn Beck, the epic dipshit who, you may recall, once asked Keith Ellison to prove he wasn't working with the enemy. As we all know, one of the big problems with the media right now is that it's almost impossible to actually discredit someone. No matter what stupid shit they say, or how often they're completely wrong, if you tune in next week they'll still be in their chair, in their suit, saying something just as stupid and wrong.

But Glenn Beck's decided to take things one step further, reaching out to voices that, in saner times, were completely discredited, and giving them national airtime. Specifically, the John Birch Society.

An artifact of the Cold War, the Birch people saw Communists everywhere - especially in the Civil Rights movement, President Eisenhower, and fluoridated water. They've since turned their keen grasp of reality onto the subject of immigration, which I'm sure is a great comfort to us all. The point is, nobody's taken the John Birch Society seriously about much of anything for the past, oh, 30 years or so. Until Glenn Beck had Birch spokesman Sam Antonio* on to discuss how we are being taken over by Mexicans or some damn thing.

This means one of two things, and neither of them are good. Either Glenn Beck thinks that, for some reason, he needs to stake out a whole new claim of crazy territory to make his schtick work, or we've now all gotten so crazy that the John Birch Society is part of the mainstream. And whether he's making it happen or just pointing it out, Glenn Beck can go fuck himself with a fluoridated fountain.

*An actual person, not a character from Alien Nation.