Archive - Jul 19, 2007

Horndog Hall Of Fame

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Memo to David Vitter, David Almond, and Bob Allen: YOU ARE HORNDOGS.

Sex is funny. Republicans are funny. Republicans having sex are funny, unless you're actually watching them, in which case it's kind of gross. Republicans having really KINKY sex is even funnier, again, with the whole "not actually watching them" caveat.

Which means the world has been very funny indeed over the past week or so. So funny that I am unofficially inducting the three latest GOP horndogs into the Horndog Hall of Fame for servicing above and behind the call of duty.

You all, of course, know about David Vitter. Louisiana senator. Caught on the DC madam list. Fessed up somewhat defiantly and refused to resign, despite calling for Clinton to resign over sex Bubba didn't even pay for. Still seems to have his penis, despite his wife pledging to cut it off if Vitter ever got caught straying, earning her the incredibly dubious title of "penile dismemberment chickenhawk".

The somewhat under-reported part of this sad, sad tale is that, by some accounts, Vitter has a thing for diapers. I don't know if it's wearing them, or women who wear them. The reports are anecdotal, poorly sourced, and most importantly, non-specific on this particular count. Which is a horrible shame, because while everyone else is calling for resignations and bemoaning family values hypocrisy, I could be making perfectly good jokes about the "nanny state".

On the state level, we have Almond, who resigned from the North Carolina state house after allegations surfaced of sexual misconduct. What kind of misconduct, you ask? Why, allow me to explain.

Allegedly, he exposed himself. To female employees. Which is bad, but lacks the kind of frisson required to actually get someone into a Horndog Hall of Fame. So it's a damn good thing that, while allegedly exposing himself, this bald white bastard also ran after her, screaming "SUCK IT, BABY! SUCK IT!"

I'm actually a little bit traumatized just typing it, so I can only imagine how the woman must have felt. That's the kind of classy behavior that's difficult to top. Or bottom, as the case may be.

Thank goodness, then, for Bob Allen, member of the Florida House of Representatives, who got busted in a park last week for allegedly exchanging twenty dollars for oral sex. From a male undercover cop. Now, early reports were unclear as to who was giving who the $20, and who was giving who the head, and fortunately for me, although unfortunately for Allen, it turned out to be him offering $20 so that he could suck the cop off.

Which, in the eyes of Allen's insecure homophobic male constituency, is the worst possible scenario. Sexual politics are complicated, so I've prepared this simple chart.

Got $20 Paid $20
Suckee A blowjob AND twenty bucks? Score! If I close my eyes and pretend it's Paris Hilton, I'm still not gay.
Sucker Look. I really needed the money. It doesn't count. Crap. Gay AND desperate.

As you can see, Allen falls squarely into the dreaded lower right hand quadrant. The good news is, he's fighting the charges, and has, if you'll pardon the expression, a rock-solid case. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"[This arrest is] an ugly and unpleasant situation that has been thrust on me and my family. It is not true. It is inaccurate and therefore, it's not guilty." Well then. With an argument like that, I'm sure he'll get off in no time.