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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Jul 18, 2007
The universe must love stupid people, because it made so fucking many of them. Our species spends tens of thousands of years slowly developing the tools of language, and these dumbasses squander it. IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!
"I was embarrassed to be writing checks." - Stupid Bus Chyck.
I don't know who Stupid Bus Chyck is, I just know that if it hadn't been for the guy reciting his credit card number and expiration date very loudly over his cell phone, she'd have been the single dumbest person I'd encountered on the bus all day. This gem was one of many that loudly escaped her gaping maw, and it's the one that makes the least sense. Because of all the emotions writing a bunch of checks because for some reason your debit card was deactivated might inspire, I can't imagine how "embarrassment" is one of them.
It's not like you're violating some social more by doing it. If the place takes checks, they expect people to write them. There's nothing outre about it. You're not flashing your tits as a form of ID, are you? Because if you are, that's not standard procedure, and you should probably either report the clerk or date him.
"Gay sweaters" - John "Maverick" McCain, on one of the major problems with his campaign.
This is so awesomely stupid I'm mentioning it despite not having the original quote, but apparently, McCain's handlers are dressing him in ugly-ass cardigans, and McCain thinks that ugly-ass cardigans are the in thing amongst the homosexual male set.
I don't know what McCain's so upset about. He should relax. People aren't worried that he's gay, or that his sweaters are gay. People are worried that he's completely fucking insane, or that possibly his sweaters are completely fucking insane and are controlling his mind. Mostly it's just him, though. Plus, I have it on good authority that if his sweaters WERE gay, they'd be better off voting Republican anyway.
"You will be betrayed again, if you are fool enough to back Democrats in 2008. True, we conservative Christians might not seem the logical home for you, but you do know where we stand, we are ready to compromise and we will never, ever betray you. You might want to think about that as you watch the debate, and make your donation and voting choices." - Mark Noonan, of Blogs For Bush, explaining why homosexuals should vote Republican.
Which is completely insane, even by Log Cabin Republican standards. I mean, the Log Cabin Republicans at least are savvy enough to exchange hatred and bigotry for a capital gains cut. Noonan, on the other hand, is arguing that it's in the best interest of gays to vote for people they KNOW will screw them over HUGELY, instead of people who MIGHT screw them over a LITTLE BIT. Because the former is at least a certainty.
Although, to be fair, Noonan himself follows that exact same logic by continuing to support Lunatic the Dancing Monkey despite him screwing us all over in record amounts, so I'm not too terribly surprised he's inviting others to join him in his special crazy place. And speaking of a special crazy place...
"I'm not referring to what used to be called Bush Derangement Syndrome. That phrase suggested that to passionately dislike the president was to be somewhat unhinged. No one thinks that anymore." - Peggy Noonan, writing for the Wall Street Journal.
I fucking love this quote. Not because of what it says, but because of what it doesn't say. What it doesn't say, and what Peggy Noonan studiously avoids for her entire article, is that the people who you said had "Bush Derangement Syndrome" this whole time were 100% fucking CORRECT this whole time.
We were right. You were wrong. Passionately disliking the president was SANITY. Passionately supporting him was the derangement. Well, fuck you, Peggy Noonan. You bought into him, you sold him to the rest of us, and now you want to pretend you want nothing to do with him? And now you're tossing around "Bush Derangement Syndrome" like it was an understandable conclusion, and not a propaganda tool used against anyone who questioned a man who was clearly a complete fucking doofus. That's what you get for not listening to us.