Archive - May 2007

Who Are You Freaks?

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Memo to the casual drive-by's: WHO THE FUCK ARE YOU PEOPLE?

Today, we celebrate the single biggest month, traffic-wise, in You Are Dumb Dot Net history. Over 9,000 unique visitors. Eleven hundred visitors a weekday. Big, scary numbers for a guy who yells at people and tells dick jokes.*

The funny thing about the new bigger numbers, though, is this. I know this is horribly meta, but bear with me, because I find this shit fascinating, and that means that you all have to sit quietly, read your free content, and pretend you find it fascinating too. Anyway, it's almost entirely from searches.

Last month, I got around 3,500 page views from search engine hits. That's about seven percent of my overall traffic. This month, with a day still to go, I got 15,000. Or nearly a quarter of my traffic. I'm thinking this is because my Google page rank clicked up from four to five somewhere near the end of April, but who knows? Maybe it's elves. Or maybe, like the polar bears, all the pollution is making everyone's genitals shrink.

Now, I know that SEEMS like a non-sequitur, and yet another attempt to shoehorn my favorite side effect of environmental damage into the middle of the column, but in reality, it's an attempt to shoehorn my favorite side effect of environmental damage that makes PERFECT SENSE. But to explain it, I need to take you on a guided tour of my top ten search phrases for the month of May. This is what YOU, the casual reader, keep typing into Google. And you see my site. And you click on it, which is the part that completely fucking mystifies me, in some cases.

#1: you are dumb; #6: youaredumb.net; and #7: youaredumb

This one actually makes perfect sense, and I'm happy that it's coming in first for a change, because it's just squeaking ahead of:

#2: tiny dick; #8: tiny dicks

I'm not sure what bothers me more. That a whole ton of people are searching the Internet for "tiny dicks", or that, having done so, they are drawn like a sailor to the siren song of You Are Dumb Dot Net. Because I guarantee you they're NOT looking for my three-plus-year-old Enzyte/Levitra column. Even if it does start with "Hey, you, with the tiny, limp dick..."

Not that I'm not grateful for the traffic - my ego thanks you all. But if you're Googling "tiny dicks", then you either want to look at tiny dicks, or you want to know what to do about your own tiny dick, and either way, I am either unable, or steadfastly refusing, to help you.

#3: kenneth pinyan; #4: people fucking animals; #9: michael patrick mcphail; #10: kenneth pinyan video

You sick fucking monkeys. Sure, part of it's my own fault, because I think that getting fucked to death by a horse, people fucking animals, and a guy getting acquitted of fucking a pit bull are all really funny things to write about. But still, bestiality taking up four spots on the top ten? And trust me, all you people at #10, be thankful you clicked on my site and DIDN'T find the footage. You're better off not knowing.

#5: limp dick

See above, only EVEN MORE SO. Seriously, people. This site will provide you with many things, but access to or directions out of the flaccidverse are NOT AMONG THEM.

So there you have it. My casual audience. A bunch of people who can't get it up, and even if they could, couldn't reach the poodle. I'm so proud. I hope you, my regular, non-perv readers enjoyed this look into the underbelly of the site almost as much as I enjoyed banging out a bit of quick lazy filler, but if you didn't, I still got to bang out a bit of quick, lazy filler. So I still win.

*OK, not Andrew Dice Clay numbers. But still, pretty fucking respectable, especially considering my relative lack of filthy nursery rhymes.