Archive - Apr 4, 2007

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Memo to Glenn Beck: GET OFF YER CROSS.

It must be Easter week, because feeling persecuted is in the air. Why, just yesterday, poor Dubya got all cranky because the mean ol' Democrats wouldn't give him what he wanted. So he got up and told the country it was THEIR FAULT he was stamping his foot, and the country should be MAD AT THEM. Luckily, after his press conference, Cheney gave him the traditional hug and a cookie for mispronouncing twelve words or less, and he felt much better.

But where, I ask you, is Glenn Beck's hug? Where, pray tell, is Glenn Beck's cookie? Have they evaporated into thin air along with his ratings? It's a mystery. But it's obvious he's desperate for all three. On his nationally syndicated radio show on Monday, the CNN Headline News host spent some time venting about how tough he has it in this country as a straight, white, male, Christian, human conservative. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I said, 'I'm tired of being the least popular person in the world.' I said look at our family. We're Americans. Nobody likes Americans. We're Americans, so the world hates us. But then inside of America, we love America -- and that's becoming more and more unpopular. So, we're not popular with Americans."

Yes, poor Glenn Beck is the least popular person IN THE WORLD. Please. He's barely managed to crack the ten least popular people on cable news, for fuck's sake. And that's after putting in a LOT of effort saying stupid shit. And he's unpopular with Americans because, unlike Americans, he loves America. I can see why he's unpopular with members of the straw community, at least.

"Then we're Christians. That's not popular anymore. But not only are we Christians, we're Mormons. So, we're not even liked by the Christians. I just -- I'm white. I'm human. There are a lot of environmentalists that don't like humans, but within the humans that accept humans, I'm white.

Eighty five percent of the country or thereabouts identifies as Christian. That's popular. American Idol is hugely popular, and its viewership is much, much lower than the numbers believing in Jesus' divinity. You fucking whiner. As for the rest of the paragraph, I'm just going to let it sit there stewing in its own incoherency. Because there's lots more where that came from.

"The majority of humans don't like whites. I mean, I just can't win. You can't win. And why is it? Because if you are a white human that loves America and happens to be a Christian, forget about it, Jack. You are the only one that doesn't have a political action committee for you."

Poor Glenn just can't win, because he's a white human that loves America and happens to be Christian, which I will abbreviate to WHULAX. Where are the political action committees representing the rights of the WHULAXen? You'd think, since the president is a WHULAX, all but one of the 2008 nominees are WHULAXen, and the vast majority of Congress would check WHULAX were it offered on their census forms, that one of them could start one. But no. They have no power and are hated by all.

"God forbid, I forgot that I'm also a conservative. I'm a conservative, which is not popular in America, but I'm a conservative that doesn't like the Republicans. I can't win! I've got to find one thing that I agree with, you know, the rest of the world on, I guess. I'm tired of being in that group. Conservatives get no respect."

We will ignore, for a moment, the laughable claim that Glenn Beck doesn't agree with Republicans, so that we can offer Glenn a couple extra nails and perhaps some cheese with his whine. Conservatives get no respect? Glenn Beck's entire existence is based on the exact opposite. If conservatives didn't get any respect, if media corporations like CNN and his radio syndicate weren't constantly trying to pander to and appease the conservative audience, Glenn Beck wouldn't exist. He wouldn't have a nice house, or a dinner table around which to make up whining bitch sessions with his alleged family.

If any of what Beck complained about were actually true, he wouldn't be on Headline News asking Keith Ellison if he's working with the enemy. He'd be on a highway median, with a cardboard sign and a bad case of meth mouth, hoping it doesn't get too cold tomorrow.

If anyone seriously believes for one minute that Glenn Beck would trade places with a gay black atheist from the Sierra Club, then I've got a magic rabbit to sell you. Easter chocolate comes out of its butt. I'd hate to part with it, but I know how much you love to swallow... chocolate.