Archive - Feb 2007

February 19th

One Brain Good, No Brains Bad

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Memo to creationists: OOPS. SORRY.

For the past... forever, I have been referring to young-earth creationists as the stupidest people on the planet. It has come to my attention that that distinction is not entirely correct.

It's tough to explain without dipping into a bit of Orwellian language. You see, all creationists are equally stupid. But some creationists are more equally stupid than others.

Normally, in this column, I do try to make a distinction between dumb people and the clinically insane. If you collect donations to build a $23 million museum in Kentucky to convince people that the Great Flood carved out the Grand Canyon, you're dumb. If, on the other hand, you think the government has been taken over by alien hamsters with a penchant for alfalfa and buggery, then you're just crazy. And no, I don't have any change.

So normally, a fringe group of creationists who believe that not only does the Bible mean the Earth ls literally six thousand years old, but ALSO believes that the literal Bible says that the Earth does not revolve, and does not in fact rotate around the sun, I'd just give them a wide berth and categorize them as insane. Unless it was a really slow week.

Even if they had a website like, where I could, in its own words, "Read all about the Copernican and Darwinian Myths (and their many ramifications going all the way to Kabbala-based Big Bangism!)" No matter how much I might be tempted to mock their inability to properly use parentheses, or make jokes about Madonna, Kabbala, and "Big Bangism", it doesn't matter. Nobody in their right mind would take these people seriously.

I mean, let's face it. If someone walked up to you, and with a completely straight face, said something like "The question of whether certain specific satellites orbit the Earth synchronously--as they would have to be doing if the Earth is rotating--or if they are actually stationary over a non-moving Earth as they are observed to be at all times, needs to be answered.", you'd just walk away from them and politely decline their offer of a pressed-aluminum chapeau.

And if someone wrote a memo and asked if they could send it out with your name on it, and you looked at that memo, and in addition to a link to, this is what you saw:

"Indisputable evidence — long hidden but now available to everyone — demonstrates conclusively that so-called ‘secular evolution science’ is the Big-Bang 15-billion-year alternate ‘creation scenario’ of the Pharisee Religion. This scenario is derived concept-for-concept from Rabbinic writings in the mystic ‘holy book’ Kabbala dating back at least two millennia."

Odds are, you'd call security on the guy that's been stealing your stationery.

Unless you're Georgia state representative Ben Bridges, and the guy stealing your stationery is your campaign manager, and the campaign manager sends the crazy memo out to a bunch of other state legislatures, like in Texas, where the unforunately-named representative Warren Chisum had to apologize for passing the memo around to his colleagues.

I mean, I know all too well, that a lot of state representatives, especially in the South, get their jobs because they screwed up bringing the carts in from the parking lot one too many times. But there still ought to be something in their employee manuals about not believing that the Big Bang and evolution are part of a rabbinical conspiracy dating back two thousand years.

Bridges, a noted opponent of evolution, is still clinging to the fascinating claim that he never approved the memo, never heard of the memo, and doesn't agree with the memo. Oh, wait, scratch that last one. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I agree with it more than I would the Big Bang Theory or the Darwin Theory. I am convinced that rather than risk teaching a lie why teach anything?"

When there's a guy in what sort of constitutes a position of power, and this guy claims at least a tenuous allegiance with people that think THE EARTH DOESN'T FUCKING ROTATE, then the pendulum swings back from Clinically Insane to Dangerously Dumb. Even if it means admitting that as stupid as most creationists are, the ones that recognize that the earth actually travels around the sun have a neuron up on some people.