Archive - Feb 2, 2007

Our Own Nerd Mumias

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I hate to harp on this for a second straight day, but it's so fucking ridiculous. They've arrested two people, Peter Berdovsky and Sean Stevens, on charges of, um, putting up lit signs of cartoon characters that idiots thought were bombs, thereby sending Boston into panic mode Wednesday.

We all know why they're doing this. Because they're committed. They've walked into an auditorium without their pants on, and goddammit, the mayor of Boston and the governor of Massachusetts and the police department are going to make damn sure nobody thinks it's an ACCIDENT their dicks are hanging out. Which means they have to take this all very seriously.

Even under normal circumstances, You Are Dumb Dot Net would be required to take the side of the Mooninite Two. But after their arraignment hearing and subsequent press conference today, I officially declare them Kindred Spirits. Because they know Boston's got nothing. Their judge knows Boston's got nothing. Their lawyer knows Boston's got nothing. And so they spent their entire news conference, I shit you not, refusing to answer any questions NOT about 1970s hair styles.

However, this column cannot thrive on praising the smart, no matter how fucking funny it was. And it was. We must excoriate the retarded, and what better place to find them than the right-wing rag, the Boston Herald? Since they plastered "THE HOAX ON US" on their front page yesterday, and since we've already demonstrated how the word "hoax" is a completely ridiculous noun to use here, finding moronic quotes on its web site should be dead fucking simple. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"He’s a refugee all right - from a Beavis and Butthead episode. This nerd is the full slacker package - Mass. College of Art, a goatee, stringy hair, a self-described “artist” with an avant-garde rock band."

Oh, shit. This is bad, folks. Somebody at the Boston Herald thinks he's funny. It's op-ed columnist Howie Carr, who looks like the love child of Brock Lesnar and every used car salesman you've ever hated. Dear god, a Beavis and Butthead reference in 2007? Surely Carr can come up with something more recent? Maybe something hideously popular that he can name-drop in a clumsy and clueless manner?

"Borat Berdovsky is from Belorusa and now lives in Arlington, which was once a working-class town. But it has long since been now transformed by Cambridge potheads into another People’s Republic, represented in the legislature by the likes of Jim Marzilli. Needless to say, the Arlington moonbats are falling into line behind legal alien Borat."

Yes, he's just like Borat, a wacky foreigner who, by just standing around, causes Americans to accidentally expose their stupidity to the world. On second thought, it seems that Carr was sniffing his own ass and accidentally found a truffle! Needless to say, Carr is no fan of Aqua Teen Hunger Force.

"That’s one of the things about this moronic cartoon show, Aqua Teen Hunger Force. It’s only 15 minutes long, but if you’ve done a couple of bones, man, it seems like an hour. The 'artists' are saying that the cops and the reporters are hopelessly lame because they don’t get off on a show in which one of the main characters is named 'Meatwad.' Dude, we’ve got, like, jobs. And kids." - And a season pass to the Jeff Foxworthy Show on your TiVo, no doubt. On top of that, I'll admit that (in spite of owning all four seasons of ATHF on DVD) I'm not an expert on the slang terminology of the marihuana underworld, but "done a couple of bones"? Really, Howie? Is that what the kids you hate today call it?

Tell you what, Howie. Let's make a deal. You won't try to make snarky fun of current events, and I won't open any beer cans with my head. We each stay within our areas of expertise, and nobody gets hurt. Deal? Thought so.