Memo to Jim Rutz: YOU... WELL, YOU MUST KNOW.

"It almost writes itself." It's an old, tired phrase, and in many cases diminishes the craft of writing. Nothing writes itself. Someone has to sit there and put the words in order. Effort must be made. In the specific case of this column, all kinds of choices have to be made. How to lead in. How to get out. How much background detail to give. What part of speech is "fuck" going to be this time? It's not rocket science, but it doesn't almost write itself, either.

Except, you know, when Jim Rutz tries to convince everyone that tofu will shrink your penis and make you gay. Then it's so easy it's almost embarrassing. It's like Michael Jordan competing in the Special Olympics.

Rutz writes for WorldNetDaily. WorldNetDaily, as you may know, is the crazy old uncle of the right-wing web family. You know, the one that carries a BB gun to shoot down black helicopters and is constantly shitting itself. I'll admit, I don't know much about Jim Rutz, but I don't need to. Because he's the kind of guy that would write, in all seriousness, something like this. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Soy is feminizing, and commonly leads to a decrease in the size of the penis, sexual confusion and homosexuality. That's why most of the medical (not socio-spiritual) blame for today's rise in homosexuality must fall upon the rise in soy formula and other soy products."

Jim Rutz is insane. Possibly clinically. The basis of his theory, and I'm being incredibly gracious by calling it that, is one small nugget of truth - that, as plants go, soybeans contain a lot of estrogen. Plant estrogens.

From "soy = estrogen", he makes the following equivalencies: estrogen = female, female = gay, and gay = bad. Using the Commutative Principle of Craziness, this leads him to the conclusion that soy = BAD.

One of the problems with being a complete fucking psycho is that you have a limited array of techniques for getting even other complete fucking psychos to take you seriously. Luckily, Rutz* has mastered the ancient art of rectonumerology. Here's a list of the pseudoscientific claims he makes without a single reference to any actual published research:

• Research is now showing that when you feed your baby soy formula, you're giving him or her the equivalent of five birth control pills a day.
• Most babies are bottle-fed during some part of their infancy, and one-fourth of them are getting soy milk!
• For example, if your baby gets colic from cow's milk, do you switch him to soy milk? Don't even think about it. His phytoestrogen level will jump to 20 times normal.

I need to stop here for a second, actually. Phytoestrogen is plant estrogen. A baby, the last time I checked, is a mammal. What, exactly, is the NORMAL level of plant estrogen in a baby? You'd think it'd be zero, in which case you can't have a level that is any amount "times" normal. Unless Rutz is talking about the hidden threat of making our plants gay, which, I guess, would be like dyeing poinsettias.

• Research in 2000 showed that a soy-based diet at any age can lead to a weak thyroid, which commonly produces heart problems and excess fat.
• Recent research on rats shows testicular atrophy, infertility and uterus hypertrophy (enlargement).
• ...estrogen ingredients in soy products may be boosting the rapidly rising incidence of leukemia in children.
• There's also a serious connection between soy and cancer in adults...
• 60 percent of the refined foods in U.S. supermarkets now contain soy.

That's a lot to pull out of your ass. The guy must have a colon like a Teflon-coated pipe. And yes, I know that in the past three years, you can count the number of things I've cited on two hands and possibly one tofu-shrunken dick. But that's because I say two kinds of things: shit you can verify in ten seconds or less with Google, and shit I make up because it's funny. No endnotes necessary.

Never mind the fact that if any of this were even remotely true, the continent of Asia would be filled with the bloated, cancer-ridden corpses of billions of micro-penised homosexuals. Never mind that this theory doesn't even mention lesbians (baby girls fed nothing but hamburgers from birth?). Never mind... anything, really. The guy thinks tofu makes you want to have sex with men, but soy sauce doesn't (because it's fermented, it's safe). Whether it was his goal or not, for about two brief, shining hours, Jim Rutz was the dumbest son of a bitch on the entire doghumping Internet.

Pity I can't send him a trophy for his mantel.

*Who, from a calligraphic standpoint is one tiny tail away from being a complete Putz.