Archive - 2006

December 20th

Pandering To The Basest

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Memo to Newt Gingrich: PLEASE FUCK OFF SOON.

I'm not going to complain that the 2008 political talk went into full swing before the 2006 elections were even put to bed. I am not. Not that I don't WANT TO, mind. But what are you gonna do? Politics took over governance a long time ago. The facade that these people do anything except run for office has just finally finished disintegrating.

The down side of which, not that there's an upside, is that you get to listen to stupid fuckers carefully and deliberately positioning themselves for dozens of months, ad infinitum. Figuring out who they want to appeal to, and when, and then scheduling speeches and media coverage so that their carefully calculated messages hit the right ears at the right times.

And nowhere is this more annoying than in the second coming of Newt Gingrich. Who will happily tell you if you ask him that he's not running for president. Oh, no. He's just putting out a book and building a movement. And if that movement happens to sweep him into office in 2008, well, how can he deny the will of the peeeeeeepul? I suppose he could wait for the people to get surgery, then deny their will while they're recovering.

Newt has an interesting strategy to create this wave of support. He's going to appeal to the Crazy Third exclusively. You know the Crazy Third. They're the part of the country that are completely unreachable. They're the 27% that voted for Alan Keyes, the 30% Bush approval rating, the people that think John Bolton was doing a great job except he hadn't blown the place up yet. That's Newt's target demo.

He's got a book, "Rediscovering God In America", which peddles the old myth that we atheists have managed to bury God so deeply in American culture that it somehow needs to be rediscovered. Only in your strawman version of our dreams, Newt.

And he's giving speeches. Speeches where he's taking on America's real enemies, the dark, degraded parts of modern society that are screwing things up. You know, like the "ACLU left", or the "First Amendment". ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Our friends at the 'ACLU left,' of course, were staggered at this concept. How could we talk about anything less than 100 percent free speech? How could we consider in any way thinking about this issue? Those six people [the imams removed from a US Airways flight because they prayed in the terminal] should have been arrested and prosecuted for pretending to be terrorists. And the crew of the U.S. airplane should have been invited to the White House and congratulated for being correct in the protection of citizens."

I don't need to point out the wrongness that starts with the word "friends" and ends with the astonishing word "correct", right? Nobody reading this is thinking "Well, Newt's got a point - the only way we can keep from dying in a nuclear terror attack is to cut way back on free speech." That's because the Crazy Third are not the target audience for this column, and only stumble across it by accident when looking for horse-fucking video clips.

There's no way Gingrich can kiss up to the Crazy Third and then get swept into office on that momentum. Well, unless something happens to turn another third of the country just as crazy as the Crazy Third, causing them to cast votes against all sense, fact, and self-interest. And the odds of that happening three presidents in a row is infinitesimal... right?

It's gonna be a long two years.