Archive - 2006

December 21st

Ho Ho Stupid Ho

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Memo to Debbie Schlussel: THANK YOU FOR YOUR KIND CHRISTMAS GIFT.Notice how inclusive I was there? Calling it Christmas, instead of the name we atheists have given it: There Is No God, When You Die Your Consciousness Is Snuffed Out Like A Candle In A Cold And Unforgiving Universe, Enjoy This Borders Gift Card. I can afford to be gracious, because Schlussel has given us all a gift beyond compare.

Confirmation that The Man is officially scared shitless of Barack Obama.

I'm not sure their fear is justified. I'm not that huge on the guy myself. Yes, he talks a good game, but he's also religious to the point of excess, which always makes me a bit nervous. It also makes Schlussel nervous. Well, his actual religious practice doesn't make her nervous. The invisible super double sekrit religion she's decided he actually practices. And I don't have to tell any of you what religion that is. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Hussein is a Muslim name, which comes from the name of Ali's son--Hussein Ibn Ali. And Obama is named after his late Kenyan father, the late Barack Hussein Obama, Sr., apparently a Muslim. And while Obama may not identify as a Muslim, that's not how the Arab and Muslim Streets see it. In Arab culture and under Islamic law, if your father is a Muslim, so are you. And once a Muslim, always a Muslim. You cannot go back. In Islamic eyes, Obama is certainly a Muslim. He may think he's a Christian, but they do not."

There is only one possible explanation for these statements. Debbie Schlussel has spent the last few weeks hearing about the "surge" plan, in which we will magically win in Iraq by coming up with an additional thirty to forty thousand troops to send in to secure Baghdad.

And every single time the word "troops" or "soldiers" hit her tympanic membrane, some aphasic short-circuit triggered in her brain, and she thought they wanted to send an additional thirty to forty thousand completely retarded ideas to Iraq. And like women of the Greatest Generation, turning in their nylons to make tank treads, Schlussel realized she could be a valuable resource to the war.

She goes on to insinuate lots of other ways Obama might be a Qur'anchurian Candidate, all baseless speculation of such a tenuous nature that Glenn Beck would find it a tad unconvincing. It's not even consistent with previous Muslim fear-mongering! Didn't we have to save that poor Afghani guy who was gonna get executed for becoming a Christian? So even assuming Obama was at one time a Muslim (which he was not) or qualified as a Muslim by descent (something common to all major religions), he wouldn't be treated like a Stealth Muslim for going to church, he'd be brutally beheaded - at least going by what Schlusselesque types have been telling us for years.

A hit piece like Schlussel's exists for one purpose these days - to claim rhetorical territory. It's like the Office Depot of urban discourse sprawl. First you have the rural area - which we'll treat as a metaphor for the kinds of ridiculous, tinfoil hat opinions that are unacceptable to the mainstream. Then some stupid bitch like Debbie comes along and builds an Office Depot deep in the heart of Crazytown.

This allows Rush Limbaugh to put up a Chipotle a little closer in, and Glenn Beck to start building one of those big stadium theaters, and before you know it, Fox News has built a Home Depot in Crazytown and "Barack Obama is secretly a Morocco Mole*" is now an accepted part of mainstream, suburban political discourse, indistinguishable from "Social Security is broken" and "the jury's still out on global warming".

That they're ramping up construction this fast, though, tells me they're desperate and scared of Barack Obama, because he's the one thing they haven't had to deal with in 40 years. A Democrat with stage presence. Or, as David Lee Roth called it, "charazzma." They must think that's enough to counterbalance his obvious skin color, so they need to associate him with the least trusted group in America. And since he's obviously not an atheist, they have to settle for the second-least-trusted.

And I have to say, I like the taste of their fear.

*Yes, I know I've used this joke before. But if this shit keeps gaining ground, it's going to have to become official terminology soon.