Archive - 2006

January 2nd

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Let's begin the new year by reminding everyone what this is all about. Stupid people saying stupid shit and me making fun of them for it. Life has few joys greater than this, so it's time for another installment of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"Mr. DeLay makes decisions and sets legislative priorities based on good policy and what is best for his constituents and the country. Any suggestion of outside influence is manipulative and absurd." - Kevin Madden, spokesman for Tom Delay.

The reason Madden had to say something this mind-bogglingly retarded is that, well, it's his job. He's the spokesman for a corrupt politician who keeps getting photographed with his hand in the diamond-encrusted cookie jar. The latest allegation? That the U.S. Family Network, a supposedly "grass-roots" organization that funneled millions of dollars into Delay's campaign between 1996 adn 2001, was actually just a front for uberlobbyist and soon-to-be government witness Jack Abramoff.

What Madden is asking us to believe is that the rich and powerful in our society love nothing more than to waste their fucking money by giving it in huge sums to principled politicians who, no matter how much cash they get, will continue to vote their conscience whatever the legislation. Which is such a ludicrous proposition to begin with that asking us to believe that TOM DELAY is such a politician is just the venal maraschino cherry atop the bullshit banana split.

For fuck's sake, you can't get most of these people to vote their conscience when it's JUST their political standing on the line, much less a few million bucks. Political contributions from corporations are investments, plain and simple. And they don't make investments without expecting to earn returns on them. That's the system we've let ourselves devolve into, and it adds bonus rankle to have the poster child for undue influence pretend to be part of the Mr. Smith Goes To Washington governmental utopia. Through his spokesman.

"I'm sure Chris can't wait 'till KFC stops torturing chickens so he can change his name back." - Pamela Anderson, proud member of PETA, discussing PETA staffer KentuckyFriedCruelty.com.

There are a number of problems with Pam's statement, the first being that she called KentuckyFriedCruelty.com by his OLD name, Chris, as in Chris Garnett, who is now legally named KentuckyFriedCruelty.com.

He changed his name because he is a member of PETA, and PETA is made up entirely of bugfuck publicity hounds whose sole purpose in life is to forward the cause of animal rights in whatever way they have precisely calculated as most likely to set back the cause of animal rights.

They do this by somehow managing, in every tiny detail, to be entirely unsympathetic. Like having Pamela Anderson speak on behalf of tortured chickens. Obvious "breast" jokes aside, the net effect of hearing Pamela Anderson warn me about the horrible practices of Kentucky Fried Chicken is me craving a twelve-piece extra crispy. And I don't even like KFC. The only two reasons I'd eat there are starvation and spite.

Or take the erstwhile Mr. Garnett. The little fucker made his little statement to get his animal rights group four inches on the wire services, since it'd been a whole two weeks since the group's last publicity stunt. What a stand he's taking! Oh, wait, it's not a stand. It's ORDERING SOME NEW CHECKS. In the enduring hardship for a cause Olympics, Ken is not exactly standing next to Mandela on the awards pedestal.

I mean, even Pamela Anderson knows he can change it back whenever he wants to, which will be when KFC starts frying up tofu with eleven herbs and spices, or the end of the news cycle, whichever comes first. And if Pam's figured it out, it's even more obvious to those of us who walk upright.