Archive - 2006

December 27th

Point And Click On The Unbelievers

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Memo to lefty protesters: YOU ARE DUMB.

Sometimes, I know why they make caged off "free speech zones". I'm not saying they're right, exactly, just that I understand the impulse. Watching some people get angry and protest is a lot like someone playing a video game you've mastered. You stare at them for a few minutes, then just want to grab the controller from their hands, because THEY'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG.

And the video game analogy is not just another case of an author's limited worldview projecting itself onto every possible situation or topic, either. Because one of the things progressive groups have been protesting is a violent video game. No, really.

Admittedly, we're dealing with CAIR, the Campaign to Defend the Constitution, and the Christian Alliance for Progress, so it's not so much the violence they object to as the targets of the violence. Which is something that's been absent from past debates on video game violence, I'll admit. Mainly because there aren't many advocacy groups for demons, prostitutes, or Goombas.

The game these groups are worried about is Left Behind: Eternal Forces. Which, if you're a regular reader of this site, you were dismissively informed about over six months ago. The casual dismissiveness required of a real-time strategy game pitting the forces of born-again Christianity against the hordes of post-Rapture heathens and apostates was beyond any number of groups, who actively campaigned to get Wal-Mart to pull the game off of store shelves.

What the fuck? THIS IS WHAT THEY DO. And by "they", I mean anyone to the right of or equal to Joe Lieberman, Hillary Clinton, or Tipper Gore. That's not progressive. Progressive is realizing that nobody cares. Even Wal-Mart shoppers, the only people with both the aesthetic deficiency and the religious affiliation required to even give the game a second look. Even Wal-Mart can be part of the free marketplace of ideas.

All you're doing is the same thing Jack Thompson does every time he lets all the thirteen-year-olds know a game's full of titties and blood. Sending them out in droves to make their purchase. You've just advertised Left Behind to thousands of cracker fucks who didn't know until now that there was a way to blow up Muslims and liberals on their peecee. You know, the same peecee they use to sign on to AOL and download Larry the Cable Guy bootlegs. Thanks to you, they'll be multihicking.

If you're GOING to be stupid and counterproductive, at least have the common decency to set yourself on fire. Show some fucking committment to your idiocy. Unfortunately, the Bakersfield man who engaged in a bit of non-fatal immolation last Friday remains unidentified, but at least he believed enough in his cause to make the ultimate sacrifice for it. Well, OK, not the ULTIMATE sacrifice. He got put out by a sheriff's deputy and only got first-degree burns. More the pen-pen-penultimate sacrifice.

Still, I'm sure that by setting fire to himself, an American flag, a Christmas tree, and a revolutionary war flag, the Kern County school board will rethink its fire-worthy decision to... rename winter and spring breaks to "Christmas" and "Easter" breaks. Yeah, that's what'll happen. It won't reinforce the false perception, built up by Limbaugh, Coulter, and O'Reilly, that liberals are unhinged religion-haters who can't even hear the word "Christmas" without bursting into flames.

If you want to play on our team, you can't go around making the rest of us look bad. So if you don't mind, leave the video games and the gas cans alone, find an issue that actually fucking matters, and direct your misguided efforts appropriately, thanks.