Archive - 2006

December 11th

Tubes Tied

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We interrupt what would have been a column about Mary Cheney's baby bump to bring you this important breaking news: Tom Delay is a fucking moron. The evidence for which played out over several hours Sunday afternoon. Here's a quick chronology.

At some point on Sunday, went live. Complete with crappy logo. Oh, and it's a BLOG. Apparently finding himself with free time on his hands between court hearings, Delay got some people to explain blogs to him and he liked what he heard.

According to a brief article at US News and World Report's website, Delay started the blog on the site so he can "build a coalition he's calling Grassroots, Action, and Information Network. Sources said the right-leaning Texan will give GAIN members insider information on the conservative movement and urge them to step in on key issues. And Democrats need not apply: His site will have a way to filter them out.

Because if there are two things we know always work really well, it's the Internet and filters. Just ask libraries, schools, and, oh, CHINA. So anyway, at some point, oh, around 5-ish last evening, word got out to the left-wing blogs about, and those filters got put to the test.

And apparently, the filters were either as ineffective as Delay's lawyers, or as fanciful as his protestations of innocence, because in under an hour and a half, there were 111 comments posted, ranging in sentiment from "You should be in prison you assclown, piss off Tom." all the way to burn burn in hell die die you fucker die" At which point the blog was taken down, the comments were deleted, and the site returned to a sort of ugly white placeholder.

Which is what anyone with even the tiniest, cursory knowledge of the Internet, and of blogs, had to know was gonna happen. Even Ted Stevens could have told him that evil leftists can reach right through the Internet tubes and grab you by the po-po's. I'm not surprised that Delay didn't do his own research, apparently basing his entire experience in the blogosphere to a few guest entries on, but if you're going to tell people you know what you're doing, as he did before the site went down, then your inevitable custard-pie face-flop is all the funnier. And because the Internet is a magical place, all of it got archived somewhere else. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

This experience brought me to the immediate realization that I needed to become involved in the blogosphere. is the culmination of my new found understanding. I am both extremely excited and energized by this opportunity to meet with you here, in the online marketplace of ideas. I look forward to working in collaboration not competition with all those who already use blogs as a way to fight against and present an alternative to institutionalized liberal media bias.

The culmination of his new found understanding lasted about 75 minutes after first contact with the enemy, which goes a long way toward explaining why we're fucked in Iraq right now, if you ask me. Judging from his last sentence, he apparently thought blogs were like an all-text, poorly-spelled version of "Fox And Friends", which is understandable if all he knew before was RedState.

Delay was unaware of the two cardinal rules of the Internet: don't have a comments section if you don't want to hear what other people think, and on the Internet, you never want to know what other people think. I can only hope news of his digital pratfall spreads far and wide today. And that the fallout doesn't harm any new web-ventures Lucky, The Satanic Turtle might want to start.