Archive - 2006

December 12th

Still Buggin' After All These Years

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Memo to Father Jonathan Morris: YOU ARE DUMB.

Before I begin, a quick aside. You know how I know I've been doing this column for a long time? I thought it'd be funny if I titled my Mary Cheney column "Why Ya Buggin'", after the Run DMC song "Mary, Mary". But a nagging voice in the back of my head made me do a search, and not only had I used that title before, it was for a column about Mary Cheney. Go figure.

But anyway, Mary Cheney is pregnant, and I couldn't be happier. For me. A pregnant Mary Cheney is the second-funniest celebrity pregnancy I can think of, right after Jay Leno. If Jay Leno got pregnant, not only would it be funny, but it would mark a comedy milestone as the first time Jay Leno was funny this millennium. But pregnant Mary Cheney is even better, because it vaporlocks morons.

It's like the irresistible force meeting the immovable object. Right-wing fucks must, by their ideological imperative, criticize any homosexual, especially one that wants to raise a child. Because by doing so, they're destroying America. This is why it's vitally important, by the way, that Mary Cheney never put her hand on a Quran and wish someone Happy Holidays, because the Earth would open up and swallow America whole, leaving a vast sea between Canada and Mexico and rendering NAFTA virtually meaningless.

But at the same time, right-wing fucks cannot bring themselves to criticize a Cheney too stridently, because, well, she's still a chip off the old Dick. And it's not like a Ron Reagan thing, where the son took up ballet and completely rejected Daddy's politics. No, Mary has been a good soldier in the GOP army. Her gayosity even helped them score cheap points off of John Kerry in '04. She only destroys America in her spare time.

This internal struggle being waged in the "minds" of the GOP faithful finds its truest expression in a column by one Father Jonathan Morris on the Fox News web site. Morris thinks he's taking "the rare opportunity to examine the consequences of redefining the family to include homosexual couples, without getting bogged down with arguments about the moral status of homosexual behaviour.", which, of course, is hilarious, because if it weren't for the dipshits worried about the morality of being gay, none of these other arguments would be happening.

Morris makes a number of stupid arguments, which I mention here for completeness' sake. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Mary thought the decision to get pregnant with the help of a third party was serious enough to merit a long talk with her girlfriend, but thinks her child should have no say in being born into a fatherless home." - You know, we've covered embryo fetishism and zygote fetishism here in the past, but this is the first time I've ever heard the argument that a pre-fertilization, pre-ovulation potential child-concept be granted rights in the negotiation of its future existence.

"Many single mothers make great moms, but the ones I know are the first to say that nature (God) got it right with the complementary nature of the sexes, for both human reproduction and parenthood." - Yes, and I'm sure the many unnamed single mothers who come into contact with Fox News columnist Father Jonathan Morris are exactly the kind of scientific representative sampling that will elevate the debate.

But back to the internal war. I'd like you to enjoy these two quotes in their fullness. The first is Morris' conclusion, and the second is Morris' attempt to seem like a reasonable person despite his conclusion. Ready? Here we go:

"Trading a father or a mother for a third party lover may seem to make sense for the couple, but it will never make sense for the child."

"I wish Mary, Heather and Mary’s child the very best."

HERE'S THE RULE, FUCKERS. You don't get to say you wish someone the best when you've just spent a dozen paragraphs explaining why they're doing a horribly wrong thing. Because you don't wish them the best. You wish for them to shut up, go away, and never have kids just so YOU can feel comfortable in a world that's changing faster than you can cope with. You wish YOURSELVES the best, not Mary, not Heather, and certainly not the child, who you've damned to a lifetime of inadequacy and confusion. No takebacks, no pretend-mitigation. Hate them and hate their choice and hate their child honestly, or shut your stinkin' holes.