Archive - 2006

December 28th

Fecal Aerodynamics

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Memo to creationists: BACK IN YOUR BOX.

Man, I don't know what it is, but the creationists are getting a bit... uppity. Like they haven't spent all year getting their asses handed to them, even in the extra-Jesusy right-wing America they love so much. It's almost as if a huge national celebration based entirely around the central figure in their global superstition network has emboldened them somehow. Can't imagine how that'd happen.

First, there's Julie Haberle, resident of Minnetonka, product of the Edina school system, and dipshit. Haberle has, this past month, put up billboards in Minneapolis and Duluth advertising her stupid website, Man, I wish I'd have thought of that. I wonder what a month of downtown billboard time costs. Probably more than a Wii, now that I think about it. Fuck that noise. Billboards are for Nomonkey morons like Haberle.

There are, by the way, basically three types of creationists. The Yaygods, the Dammits, and the Nomonkeys. Yaygods are the "Jesus is so wonderful he must have made me" types. Dammits are the political creationists - the ones who think the secular Darwinist ACLU is trying to take God out of the world one fossil at a time. And then there are the Nomonkeys. Nomonkeys can't bear to think that they're descended from apes. Never mind that it's not a direct line of descent, but rather a multi-tiered array of common ancestors. THEY AIN'T NO MONKEY!

Nomonkeys make themselves evident by their choice of propaganda. Two of Haberle's billboards have monkeys - one a woman and a chimp with the text "Just Who Do You Think You Are", and one with a five-frame man to monkey morph titled "Don't Let Them Make A Monkey Out Of You". Insecure much? My pet theory is that Nomonkeys have secret, hidden poop-throwing fetishes. You know how it's the closeted gays that are the most anti-gay? Well, maybe it's closeted poop-throwers who so vehemently oppose the idea that their Nth-great-grandpappy was a poop-thrower, too.

Haberly's site is full of a lot of the usual crap, so I'll just hit the high points. Like the prominent quote from "Five-time Nobel nominee Henry Schaefer. Anyone who knows anything knows that "Nobel nominee" is a meaningless term, as anyone can submit anyone's name to the committee for consideration. It's not like the Oscars, where they narrow it down to five people before Geena Davis comes out in an ugly dress. Give me the P.O. boxes of five different Nobel committees, and a buck-ninety-five later, I'm as much of a scientist as Schaefer is.

Of course, Haberly freely admits to not being one of those anyones who knows anything. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Many will argue that this site is too simplistic and that it requires an academic background to comprehend this subject. But don't let them fool you! If everything was formed by time and chance, isn't that the very definition of simplicity?

No. Ask another question that stupid and I'll start charging for answers, lady. Her mastery of etymology is even shakier than her mastery of biology. But what do you expect from someone who says shit like this?

"It takes just as much faith to believe in evolution as it does in any sort of religion." No, it only seems that way to you because you, like all creationists, have what we call a tiny, tiny worldview.

It's not my fault you don't have a mental map for "belief" that extends beyond "complete and utter devotion to an idea I don't actually understand". But there's all kinds of belief. When I say I "believe" in evolution, I mean that I accept that the basic precepts are probably true, and that smart people who specialize in such things will keep working out the fine details and telling the rest of us about it. That's not faith. That's observation, reasoning, and conclusion, which creationists don't recognize in much the same way a dog doesn't recognize a dual-core processor.

So by all means, raise your billboards, host your ugly-ass websites, and have a field day. But deep down, we both know why your hands smell like crap.

TOMORROW: The uprising continues with startlingly insipid LETTERS TO THE EDITOR! Same young-earth time, same young-earth channel.