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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Aug 2006
Memo to Madonna: YOU ARE DUMB.
That is, assuming the UK Times is reporting honestly and accurately. I have to put that in there, because what they're reporting is really retarded. I mean Tom Cruise retarded. I mean Pat Buchanan retarded. I mean Pat Robertson Magic Leg-Press Milkshake retarded. And I didn't think Madonna was quite that retarded.
You see, Madonna is apparently concerned about the problem of nuclear waste. That's good, because nuclear waste is nasty stuff, and we really should deal with it properly. So far, so good.
And Madonna is putting her considerable star power and influence into pressuring the British government to do something about nuclear waste. Now, I don't know if the British government was dragging their feet on the issue, spending all their time wearing wigs and yelling at Tony Blair. But let's assume that the House of Commons is not only slacking off on nuclear waste, but are actually using a wicket made out of U-238 for their lunchtime go-round out on the pitch. Again, so far, so good.
But according to The Times, Madonna wants to fight nuclear waste with magical Kabbalah water. Seriously. You see what I mean about Magic Milkshake retarded? And if you believe Pat Robertson, all you get is sore calves and laughed at in the gym. You believe Madonna, and all your hair falls out, your nuts turn green, and your face becomes one giant tumor.
But Madonna apparently believed so strongly in the power of water meditated over by Kabbalah followers that she spent a lot of time trying to get the British to listen to some crazy Russian scientist who said it worked great in the Ukraine.
Thank fuck nobody listened. If she'd lobbied over here, the only thing keeping the White House from having a new "special anti-terror moat" is the fact that it'd be Jewish.
What pisses me off most about this isn't the possibility that anyone might have actually taken her seriously; I just resent the encroachment on the territory. For fuck's sake, what's more science-y than nuclear waste? It's the most science-y science there is. Keep your filthy mystical wankery off it.
Nuclear waste is OURS, dammit. It's toxic, it glows, it's the byproduct of the very rending of matter itself to produce the sweet, sweet energy we need to power our XBox 360s. Nuclear waste is the most secular substance in the UNIVERSE. Keep your holy water off it.
I don't recall anyone calculating the precise chemical reactions required to convert the mass of one middle-aged woman entirely to sodium chloride. We let you HAVE that one. That's yours, we don't fuck with it. So let us bury our irradiated residue in the desert. If we all die of radiation poisoning because we believed Madonna could wish away all the alpha particles, there'll be nobody around to fight off the giant mutant lizards that will roam the Earth after the casks in the desert leak.
And then what good will your Kabbalah do you? Exactly. So back the fuck off.