Archive - Jul 2006

July 3rd

You'd Think They'd Be Happy

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We now interrupt your regularly scheduled coverage of Rush Limbaugh's flaccid shame-shaft to issue this memo to Rev. Thomas Euteneuer: YOU ARE DUMB.

Rev. Euteneuer is the president of Human Life International, a Catholic embryo-fetishizing organization. I can only assume that Rev. Euteneuer was driven into the life of the Catholic priesthood and embryo advocacy by his unfortunate last name, which sounds like both "euthanasia" and "neuter", two concepts antithetical to the Catholics' intense desire to force the rest of us to be fruitful and multiply.

Anyway. Euthaneuter is pissed off at Warren Buffett for donating most of his eventual estate to charity. This would normally not be the kind of thing you'd expect conservatives to frown on, as it actually seems to validate many of their common arguments.

After all, philanthropy and charitable giving are what they'd like to replace the social safety net with. The government doesn't need to collect taxes to make sure people don't starve, we can just leave it up to billionaires to develop consciences in their advanced years.

And Warren Buffett wouldn't be able to be nearly so generous with his estate if it were subject to some kind of estate tax, would it? Of course not. Once again, left to their own devices, I'm sure the Hiltons and the Marses and the other multibillion dollar families in the country will see things Warren's way.

But Euteneuer doesn't see it that way, I guess. Because Buffett is giving his money to Bill Gates. Well, not ACTUALLY to Bill Gates. That would be the most misguided act of charity ever. To the Bill and Melinda Gates foundation, which helps the developing world without being, well, rabidly Catholic about it. You know, supporting birth control. And at home, supporting Planned Parenthood. A little.

In case you're wondering whether Euteneuer is having a reasonable philosophical difference with Warren Buffett, allow me to dispel any doubt in your mind. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"The merger of Gates and Buffett may spell doom for the families of the developing world. Warren Buffett will be known as the Dr. Mengele of philanthropy unless he repents and ceases using tax deductible donations to promote a culture of death and desolation.

This is why I should be in charge of everything. First thing I'd do is have Euteneuer brought up on charges of crimes against analogy. "The Dr. Mengele of philanthropy"? Because Gates thinks maybe Africans would be better off if they wore condoms every once in a while? How fucked in the head do you have to be to read about someone donating a vast fortune to charity, and immediately think they're a Nazi?

Me, I just think he's pissed off that an avowed atheist (Buffett) and a lapsed Catholic agnostic (Gates) are making some of the biggest charity headlines in history, thereby ruining our reputation as selfish, godless bastards. I mean, how can we possibly care about our fellow man without fear of eternal punishment if we don't at least pretend to?

That's gotta rankle, especially to a fuckjob like Euteneuer. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see if I can figure out how to become known as the Dr. Mengele of making nachos.