Archive - Jul 7, 2006

Beam Me Up, Kenny

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The alpha and the omega. The flotsam and the jetsam. After spending two solid days on a single topic, the Topic Monkey's patience is officially exhausted. Cogito, ergo Spastic Topic Monkey Friday.

First kick to the nutz goes out to Robert Cribb of the Toronto Star, or his retarded editor. Basically, whichever of them was ultimately responsible for the headline and lead paragraph that appeared in the paper on Monday.

The headline? "Transporter technology takes first timid steps". Ah, you think. A science story. Science is good. Science is what separates human beings from Jerry Falwell. What is exciting and new in the world of science, Mr. Cribb? ACTUAL LEDE TIME!

"Ever since the technological prophecies of Star Trek first entered our minds, mankind has imagined the benefits of invisibly and instantly moving vast distances through thin air."

We all think we know what's coming next. A paragraph like this is ALWAYS used to introduce any story in which two guys at Fermilabs succeeded in transmitting quantum information across a room or some damn thing. Not teleportation, but certainly the first timid steps thereof.

But Robert Cribb isn't talking about esoteric subatomic science. Robert Cribb then spends the next EIGHTEEN PARAGRAPHS telling the fine people of Toronto how much trouble he had using his XBox and XBox 360 as streaming media hubs. FUCK YOU, ROBERT CRIBB. You must have known nobody would bother reading 18 paragraphs of "I'm a dipshit and Microsoft makes things difficult", so you, or your editor, decided to repackage your truisms in a format that would lure in real nerds. Next time you need help with streaming video, call R. Kelly.


Ken Lay is dead of a massive heart attack. Which is good. One less asshole in the world. Of course, he died in his vacation home in Aspen awaiting sentencing, and not in the free cable and doughnuts lounge of whatever minimum-security prison he would have gotten sentenced to, so that's a bit disappointing.

But every dead rich white man has a silver lining, as they say. And I can only hope that Ken Lay's true legacy will be as the subject of the WORLD'S MOST AWKWARD FUNERAL.

Ken Lay moved among the business and political elite of America. Dubya called him "Kenny Boy". But none of his powerful friends can show up for fear of the taint. AWKWARD.

What do you say at Ken Lay's eulogy? It'd have been a lot easier if his ventricles had vented before he was convicted. Between convicted and sentenced is its own special purgatory. You can't say he regretted his crimes and was paying his debt to society, because he was hanging out in FUCKING ASPEN when his ticker tocked. AWKWARD.

Do you throw something befitting his wealth and power, or something small and understated demonstrating post-conviction humility? AWKWARD.

If you could build a turbine that ran on uncomfortable silence, I bet you could build up one hell of an energy company in Colorado right about now.