You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Jul 12, 2006
Some of you may notice more technical glitches than usual. This is because, due to lightly frying my personal computer, YAD is being updated on a bit of a catch-as-catch-can basis, from whatever machines I can get access from. This too, shall pass.
Anyway, if you followed the link that appeared unintentionally for four hours on the front page yesterday, this will be anticlimactic. But I'll still issue a memo to Rev. William Lawson: YOU ARE DUMB.
You see, once again, we have a case of an aphorism not only being treated as a hard, fast rule, but taken to such extremes as to accidentally make a mockery of said aphorism. In this case, "don't speak ill of the dead".
Which is bullshit. You speak ill of the dead if the dead were bastards. But we can't have that, can we? Richard Nixon liked puppies. Ronald Reagan had a winning smile. Slobodan Milosevic... OK, that one I'll give you, but he was a dirty foreigner, so we could be objective about his war crimes.
But apparently we're all chomping at the bit to posthumously exonerate Ken Lay. Yes, I'm still pissed off about Deady Boy. What do you want? I was cut off from the global information stream for four days. My brain still thinks it's last Thursday.
And you'd be pissed off too if you read the shit Bloomberg published about Lay's funeral plans. You see, Lay will be buried in Aspen, Colorado, instead of his native Houston. Lay will be cremated, which is one more thing for you conspiracy theorists to seize upon. For me, it's just one more missed opportunity. If I were a wealthy corporate powermonger who keeled over in the world's toniest ski resort, I'd want to be buried right on the fucking slopes. No headstone, just a nearby sign reading "Mogul in life, mogul in death." But that's why I'm not a CEO.
Where was I? Oh, yes. Rev. William Lawson, Kenny Boy's friend and pastor. Lay's not being buried in Houston, you see, because he felt Houston wasn't supportive enough of their hometown CONVICTED FELON. Not supportive the way Lawson is. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"I plan to tell them this is not the first time somebody good has been falsely accused and even crucified. Just like Martin Luther King and John F. Kennedy, my hope is that people will view Ken Lay in a much more positive light after his death. Even though people say he's a robber and a crook and that it's a good thing he's dead, we have the right to tell his family we've seen this before, and history can be kind."
And there's your HOLY SHIT moment for the week, folks. Rev. Lawson, comparing Ken Lay, who screwed thousands out of their old age pensions and whose family, thanks to the timing of his death, doesn't have to pay the government the millions of dollars in fines that would have been levied at the sentencing that no longer can take place, to JFK, MLK, and JESUS CHRIST HIMSELF.
I thought maybe with the first two Lawson had a kind of phonetic confusion. JFK, MLK, Kenny Lay. You can't say there's no rhyme or reason to the comparison. Just reason. But pastors don't ever use the word "crucified" by accident. That shit would be outre even if Lay hadn't been convicted of six counts of fraud and conspiracy. Where did Ken Lay's pastor get the idea you could rearrange the facts of a person's life so that they look much rosier, more optimistic, more successful than they actually are?