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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Jul 2006
Memo to Mel Gibson: NICE TRY, BUT YOU ARE DUMB.
Man, this was a banner week for fathers and sons, fame and embarassment. Hot on the heels of Norm Coleman Sr.'s arrest for public befuckery, we've got Mel Gibson, son of a wackjob Holocaust denier, having his own run-in with the police and proving that the apple-tree differential is as tiny as always.
In case you haven't heard, Gibson was pulled over on Friday for speeding, and ended up getting handed a DUI. But that's not the good part.
When arrested, he allegedly spent the entire arrest and booking procedure being grumpy and shouting at the cops. But that's not the good part.
The good part was what he reportedly shouted at the cops - phrases that appeared in an initial report that got leaked to the Web. Phrases like "Fucking Jews". Phrases like "Jews are responsible for all the wars in the world." Phrases like "Are you a Jew?"
Once that got out of course, it was time for my favoritest part of stories like this - the damage-control public apology. Let's parse Mel's contrition and see how it stands up, shall we?
"After drinking alcohol on Thursday night, I did a number of things that were very wrong and for which I am ashamed. I drove a car when I should not have, and was stopped by the L.A. County sheriffs. The arresting officer was just doing his job and I feel fortunate that I was apprehended before I caused injury to any other person."
Now, this is the part that was obviously written when the story was just that he was arrested for DUI "without incident". It was probably still up in Microsoft Word when the Jew-hating broke, and they kept it.
"I acted like a person completely out of control when I was arrested, and said things that I do not believe to be true and which are despicable. I am deeply ashamed of everything I said and I apologize to anyone who I have offended."
Now, I don't drink, so I may be on sketchy ground here, but alcohol is not, the last time I checked, a hallucinogenic. It lowers inhibitions. It can cause you to do things you wouldn't have done, like try to run away from cops. It can cause you to say things you wouldn't have said. But can it really make you believe things you otherwise wouldn't believe? I mean, if you get Dubya drunk, he obviously doesn't start believing in tax hikes for the wealthy.
That's the defense. "I was drunk and I didn't mean it." I'd love to think that something that pathetic and transparent wouldn't stick with the public, but I've seen what the public will swallow over the past five years, so I'm not getting my hopes up.
"Also, I take this opportunity to apologize to the deputies involved for my belligerent behavior. They have always been there for me in my community and indeed probably saved me from myself. I disgraced myself and my family with my behavior and for that I am truly sorry."
Oh, I'm sure he's sorry. I'm guessing he's neither contrite nor repentant, but I'm sure he's sorry. He's got a couple movies coming out this year, after all.
"I have battled the disease of alcoholism for all of my adult life and profoundly regret my horrific relapse. I apologize for any behavior unbecoming of me in my inebriated state and have already taken necessary steps to ensure my return to health."
OK, now here's the tricky part. When Gibson was arrested, his blood alcohol level was 0.12%. Which is drunk, but not REALLY drunk. Seems to me if someone's been battling the disease of alcoholism all their adult life, they have built up a pretty fair tolerance. So is .12% for an avowed alcoholic really enough to magically turn Mel into a raging anti-Semite?
Or did it just strip away the already thinned veneer between Hollywood Star Mel Gibson and Bugfuck Catholic Mel Gibson With Holocaust-Denying Dad Action? Unless you're in the habit of believing celebrity press releases, I think we all know for sure now where Mel lies.