Archive - Jun 8, 2006

Pardon My Agenda

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Memo to the Readership: GAY STUFF AGAIN.

Sorry. Not my fault. When the great national lens of retardation focuses with precision on a topic, that's where all the good material ends up collecting. And where the material collects, that's where I have to burn it away with the Laser of Derision, and sweep up the ashes with the Dustbuster of Awkward Metaphors.

So today, I bring you a special all-singing, all-dancing, all-gay-bashing edition of IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS!

"As you see here, and I think this is maybe the most important prop we'll have during the entire debate, my wife and I have been married 47 years. We have 20 kids and grandkids. I'm really proud to say that in the recorded history of our family, we've never had a divorce or any kind of homosexual relationship." - Frequent YAD target and Oklahoma senator James Inhofe, during the Bigotry Amendment debate.

Now, that claim may seem a bit far-fetched, I know. But it's true. I know, because I looked up the Inhofe family crest, and it's motto is Latin for "suffering in silence".

"Parsing national survey data collected in 1996 by the National Centers for Disease Control, the authors of the new study adduce strong evidence that in the 'disturbances of public health and social order' for which they were responsible, 'those who engaged in homosexuality were similar to those who used illegal drugs, participated in prostitution, or regularly smoked.' - The bastards at the Howard Center, in an e-mail titled "Gay Endgame".

"Gay Endgame"? I thought that was rolling over and falling asleep. I love the semantics these fucks resort to. Oh, and the fake studies where some asshole with an agenda and a rented lab coat plugs someone else's numbers into Excel and publishes the results in a vanity press journal he happens to print himself, in this case Paul Cameron's "Psychological Reports". This study was co-authored by one "Kirk Cameron", and while I know deep down it can't be the same one, I think, after a week of dealing with these fact-free haters, I've earned the right to say beyond a shadow of a doubt that yes, the former star of Growing Pains and Left Behind is co-authoring bogus studies that show how icky gays are.

"It is a painful but very real truth. Homosexual marriages intentionally create motherless families or fatherless families. But a compassionate society would not deliberately deny a child a mother or father. - Ad from Focus On The Family attacking Republicans like John McCain and Chuck Hagel who had the temerity to not vote for the Bigotry Amendment.

James Dobson is the most genitalia-obsessed person on the planet. There are urologists with massive porn collections who care less about human plumbing than this man. Motherless families, fatherless families... WHO GIVES A FUCK. They don't create parentless families. They don't create families full of bitterly resentful couples who'd leave in an instant if they hadn't knocked up their partner. And don't give me that role-model shit. It's not 1820 on the frontier. There are other people around.

If you want to know why Bill Bennett choked on The Daily Show the other night, it's because all gay marriage opposition stems from the assumption that gay people are icky and horrible. However, they can't admit to that in a public forum lest they reveal themselves as the intolerant fucktards they are. So they throw around a lot of code words and secondary arguments. But the core of their bluster is hollow, and it only takes a few pointed questions to expose that hollowness for all to see.

And until more people than Jon Stewart start exposing that hollowness and the ugly truth behind it, these idiots will continue to say the damndest things.