You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Jun 23, 2006
Memo to the NRA: YOU ARE DUMB.
And what's more, you should get down on your fucking camo-covered knees and thank me for calling you retards. Because that's the closest you tinfoil nutjobs have been to cultual relevancy in years.
Seriously. When was the last time you heard about the NRA? Don't bother trying to remember. I'll tell you. 2002. That was when Bowling For Columbine came out. And that was the last time anyone thought seriously about the NRA.
Because the gun nuts got passed over as political tools. The right no longer needs them to energize the base - it's much easier to get Jesus-freaks upset about man-on-man action they'll never have than it is to get the conservative population riled up about controlling guns they'll never have. You stopped being useful.
And the instant you stopped being propped up by the right, you stopped being demonized by the left. We all have bigger fish to fry, and you're a minnow lost in the Atlantic Ocean.
You know how I know you're irrelevant? Your president is going around getting your black-helicopter-watching, Montana-stockpiling membership all riled up that the United Nations is going to take away everyone's guns on July 4. And nobody's paying attention.
OK, one guy's paying attention. He has no choice. I'm sure that Prasad Kanyawasam would much rather deal with something useful. He's from Sri Lanka, who are having an entirely different type of gun problem these days. He's their ambassador to the United Nations, who are holding a two-week conference on the illegal trade of small arms. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"I myself have received over 100,000 letters from the U.S. public, criticising me personally, saying, 'You are having this conference on the 4th of July, you are not going to get our guns on that day,'" - Kanyawasam, who's office staff must fucking love Wayne LaPierre right about now.
LaPierre is the head of the NRA, and he's the one flinging around retarded language on the NRA's website. He's telling the people stupid enough to listen to him that Kofi Annan will be stopping by to steal their Glocks. ACTUAL FUCKING NUTJOB TIME!
"Over our 4th of July holiday, while taps is played at Arlington National Cemetery to honor Americans who have sacrificed their lives for freedom... These dictatorships, terrorist states and so-called “free” nations of the world plan to meet on our home soil to finalize a U.N. treaty that would strip all citizens of all nations of their right to self-protection, and strip you of your rights under the Second Amendment. Before one word falls from their lying lips about our country and our freedoms, I want them to hear from America’s 80 million gun owners and YOU.
Anyone who'd scared of the United Nations hasn't been paying attention to the United Nations. How would that scenario play out? I mean, let's assume that the UN really were interested in running roughshod over sovereign law. And let's also assume that once they did that, President Bush, who loved the UN so much he sent them his favorite walrus, looks at the UN gun ban and says, "Okey-doke! Come get 'em!
Even after you account for complete geopolitical ignorance, you're left with a logistical problem that would make Sisyphus say "No thanks, I love my job. The hours are great." It won't happen because it won't happen, but it also won't happen because it CAN'T happen. It lies so far outside the realm of practicality that you'd have to be a raving moron who's eaten way too much of your own ammunition to be worried about it.
So, you know. 100,000 letters. Even considering they're using the PTC's tactic of pre-printed, pre-written, pre-addressed form letters available over the Internet, that's a lot of tinfoil hats.
Or three interns in LaPierre's office and a shitload of recycled toner cartridges.