Archive - Jun 2006

June 30th

Rush Limbaugh Is Impotent*

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Memo to Rush Limbaugh: YOU USE VIAGRA.

Oh, sure, I could talk about all kinds of things. I could talk about the Gitmo verdict, I could talk about the ridiculous "treason" charges against the New York Times, but none of that matters to me today. Why?

Rush Limbaugh can't get it up*.

Normally, I wouldn't be caught dead thinking about Rush Limbaugh's penis. But for some reason, today I don't find it nearly as threatening. Baseball bats are threatening. Overcooked fettucine? Not so much. And I just feel more alive somehow knowing that

Rush Limbaugh has a limp dick*.

It's ironic in so many ways. I mean, if it hadn't been for increased airport security, customs enforcement, and bag searches in a post-9/11 world, Rush Limbaugh may have never gotten caught with a vial full of stiffypills made out in his doctor's name to protect his privacy. Hell, Rush Limbaugh's privacy being violated is in itself ironic. But as a wise man once said, the public has a right to know

that Rush Limbaugh cannot get blood to flow to the spongy areas of his groin*.

Another irony! For years, Rush Limbaugh got his jollies calling Bill Clinton the "president-erect". Because of Slick Willie's sexual picadilloes. See, it's funny because it's like "president-elect", only about a penis. But now, years later, we learn that

Rush Limbaugh cannot achieve or maintain an erection without the help of prescription medication*.

I just hope that Rush reads the labels on those dickdrugs carefully. They can have some nasty side effects. I mean, if Rush Limbaugh gets an erection lasting more than four hours, what does he do? Grover Norquist's wife isn't going to keep believing that "late night at the office" line forever. All this could just be avoided if it weren't for the fact that

Rush Limbaugh takes pills to get his wang hard.

Oh, also, this proves that God is cruel and malicious. Because of all Rush Limbaugh's organs he could have chosen to stop working, he goes for the ears first and the dick second, but LEAVES THE MOUTH INTACT. Intelligent design my ass.

Sure, you could argue that having someone's sexual dysfunction revealed in such an embarrassingly public way is awful. That mocking anyone's legitimate medical condition is mean-spirited. That there is a moral high ground, and mocking the noodleschlong of that bald right-wing radio fuck is nowhere near it. And you would have an excellent point. But not as good a point as the sheer unmitigated comedy value of Rush Limbaugh getting caught with a bottle of Viagra in his bag on the way back from the Dominican Republic.