Archive - Apr 2006

April 6th

Hammer In The Morning

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Memo to Tom DeLay: YOU ARE DUMB.

And more importantly, so is anyone who believes him. Because his decision to step down on Tuesday is one thing, and one thing only. A public admission of guilt. You're going to tell me Tom Mother Fucking DeLay, "The Hammer", the muscleman and architect behind the Permanent Republican Majority, is legitimately concerned about a vicious, negative campaign run by Democrats? In Texas?

Please. He's seen the same Democrats we have. He's not scared of that. No, these are the actions of a man who knows it's going to get worse, and get worse in plenty of time for him to go down in disgrace-colored flames come November. Another indictment or two, ugly testimony, a handful of convictions. That's what Tom saw in his crystal ball.

And you know it. And I know it. And Tom DeLay knows it. And Lucky The Satanic Turtle knows it. The only people who don't know it are the deluded fringes of the right-wing blogs. And Chris Matthews. Let's look at The Hammer's pathetic excuses, shall we? ACTUAL QUOTE DAY!

"I can evaluate political situations. And it was obvious to me that the 22nd District needed an election that discussed issues. It was obvious to me that this election had become a referendum on me."

Of course it was. It's an ELECTION. All elections are referendums on the incumbent. That's why we vote for people, and not for issues. It's only a bad thing because the collective electorate was slowly (it is Texas, after all) beginning to realize that you were in shit up to your nostrils. All of these quotes, by the way, are from his exclusive pre-resignation Time interview.

"He was having a conference on the war on Christianity. So I made a speech on Wednesday. It was covered by C-Span and, frankly, a bunch of cameras. I felt very good, very free about giving that speech. The reaction was incredible—just an outpouring of love and support from the audience. It was probably the one single event that convinced me: I can DO this. I could keep fighting for the things I believe in, outside of Congress."

In other words, an elected official needs the support of ALL the people, but a religious demagogue, a right-wing Jesse Jackson with political savvy and without the unfortunate melanin imbalance, well, such a man only needs the support of CRAZY PEOPLE. He's going to go spend all his time whipping up people stupid enough to think he'll be a martyr when he goes to prison. And since even he can't gerrymander his district so that it crosses state lines, he'll shift his constituency to the evangelical fuckjob right, a.k.a. Idiots Without Borders*.

"The people that go to church understand that a country has to be based on some sort of religion and fear of God because they understand that."

No, they understand that because they're incapable of understanding anything else. Like campaign finance law, or foreign golf junkets, or the words in newspapers.

"I've been fighting this strategy of personal destruction for going on 10 years. I'm not whining. The Democrats even publicly announced that they were going to destroy my reputation and an effort to do that."

Apparently, in DeLay's world, "fighting" and "perfecting" are synonyms, as are "destroy my reputation" and "think that criminal indictments are a valid campaign issue". But at least he's not whining. Nope. Proud, strong, noble Tom DeLay isn't whining. He may be pussying out, but not whining.

On his likely successor: "I'm not going to play kingmaker. I'll let the party—it's a party process. And the party ought to make the decision."

Shucks. They probably won't even ask lil' ol' Hammah who he might want to run in his stead. He's just gonna sit back, sip some lemonade on his now-infamous porch, and keep his hands out of Texas politics.

"I paid lawyers to investigate me as if they were prosecuting me. And they found nothing. There is absolutely nothing—no connection with Jack Abramoff that is illegal, dishonest, unethical or against the House rules.

Man, I hope this isn't true. Not the illegal part. We know that's not true. I mean the first part. Because that's just stupid. Even if he paid the lawyers up front, that seems like an iffy opinion to base your freedom and career on. And the fact that he had to hire lawyers to make sure he stayed within the law is pretty telling. You wear a safety harness when you're walking a high wire, not when you're strolling through a meadow.

Still, even with the lies, the bullshit, and the fawning from sycophants like Matthews**, I can't help but see DeLay's resignation as a good thing. It should, with a little luck, make him slightly less influential and dangerous. Slightly.

*Or, for that matter, idiots who've never been into a Borders.

**There's a video floating around out there of a during-the-commercials outtake of Hardball, with Matthews just sucking up to DeLay like he's Igor and DeLay is Dr. Frankenstein. It ends with DeLay saying (about Hillary) "Nothing worse than a woman know-it-all", and Matthews telling DeLay "I owe you one. I owe you two." Which could almost be its own column.