Archive - Apr 21, 2006

Gigolo + Purity = Monkey

« April 2006 »

It's a good week to be a Spastic Topic Monkey. Sure, there's a lot of crazy stupid shit going on in the world, but is any of it really worth mustering my meager attention span for? I submit that they are not. So instead, let's indulge in the blindfolded centrifugal poofling known far and wide as SPASTIC TOPIC MONKEY FRIDAY.

It's proving to be a rough week for balding assholes paid to talk. First Scott McLellan gets the hook, and now David Lee Roth's been fired.

You may recall six scant months ago, when CBS was the only entity on the planet who thought it was a good idea to replace Howard Stern with Roth. We all knew he'd suck, of course, because he's David Lee Roth, and sucking is both his vocation and his avocation.

But apparently, not only did he suck at radio, he sucked so bad people noticed and cared. And do you know how bad you have to suck at radio for that to happen? If you don't, try listening to the radio some time. You'll see just how good you don't have to be to avoid getting fired. And Roth was much worse than that.

Rolling Stone called him "skin-crawlingly awful", which, again, shouldn't have come as a surprise to anyone who remembers his cover of "California Girls". Cubic Zirconia Dave will be replaced by the Opie and Anthony show, who apparently fart with much more sincerity than Dave could muster.

If you want more evidence that the abstinence movement is run by a bunch of deeply disturbed tight-asses with awful sex lives, look no further than the Purity Ball. The Purity Ball is the creation of a pro-abstinence group named, I shit you not, Abstinence Clearinghouse.

I don't know what that means, but I hope it doesn't mean what it implies - that it encourages teens to refrain from sexual activity until they've ordered four magazine subscriptions, at which point Ed McMahon shows up at their house and deflowers them with his "giant check".

And as bad as that image is, it's still more pleasant than the actual Purity Ball, most recently held in Sioux Falls, South Dakota. Apparently it's a dance where fathers can bring their daughters, dance with them, and stress the importance of hymen structural integrity while grooving to Kool & The Gang's "Celebrate".

Which is bad enough. And probably worse, but if you want to really find out how to throw a successful Purity Ball, you've first got to throw twenty five bucks plus shipping at Abstinence Clearinghouse. But there is this one bit I found in a local paper's blurb about the event. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"Stepfathers, uncles, godfathers, grandfathers and other significant male figures may bring the young lady in their life."

Now, I am not a chaste girl age 11 or older. But even so, the only thing I could imagine that would be creepier than dressing up, dancing with, and pledging my purity to my father would be doing the same to my uncle, grandfather, or "significant male figure". Which I assume means Ed McMahon.