Archive - Feb 2006

February 22nd

Lightning Round

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LIGHTNING ROUND!

You get your Spastic Topic Monkey Friday two days early, even more spastic-er and more topic-y than usual. That's me going the extra mile, that is.

SHITTY LIE OF THE WEEK:

"Sometimes, decisions made as the result of the appropriations process, the money may not end up where it was supposed to have gone." - Dubya.

Dubya was explaining the perfectly reasonable circumstances under which an alternative energy research lab got $32 million cut from its budget, laid off 32 scientists, then got $5 million of its budget restored so they could hire back the 32 people before Bush spoke there. About the importance of researching alternative energy sources.

I don't know what's worse. The bald-faced cynicism exposed by what is, even by Dubya standards, a transparent and ridiculous lie, or the very real possibility, as evidenced in Iraq and Katrina, that nobody in the government knows where any of the money is going between photo ops.

OBVIOUS JOKE OF THE WEEK:

McDonalds is being sued because they use wheat and milk to make their fries, which makes the gluten-intolerant and vegans cranky. The vegans should have learned their lesson the LAST time McDonalds got caught with a foreign substance in the fries, since that substance was beef juice.

I'm slightly more sympathetic to the allergic, but someone with food allergies eating at McDonalds, and thereby relying on what McDonalds says is in its food, strikes me as a very risky proposition. And for what? A Happy Meal? About the only people who should feel safe eating McDonalds fries are the people who are allergic to potatoes.

THE WHAT THE FUCK MOMENT OF THE WEEK:

Why is it we hate Iran again? Oh, right, because they're a radical theocracy run by an unstable leader in pursuit of more powerful weapons to use against its many enemies. In an attempt to deal with the Iranian threat, we have tried a number of tactics - negotiation, threats, sanctions, and apparently, a sincere attempt to find common ground via institutionalized homophobia.

You see, for any organization that is not a government to get listened to by the UN, they must apply for, and be granted, consultative status. About 5,000 organizations have been granted that status. It's rarely, if ever, denied. So allow me to present the astonishing, yet strangely unsurprising, list of nations that voted AGAINST consultative status for the International Gay and Lesbian organization, and the Landsforeningen for Bøsser og Lesbiske, which is Danish:

Cameroon. China. Cuba. Iran. Pakistan. the Russian Federation. Senegal. Sudan. Zimbabwe. And the United States of America. It's the Axis of Assholes.

I mean, CUBA? How often do we hear how awful it is when anyone in the US dares to suggest that Castro isn't the epitome of post-Cold-War communist retro-evil. But when it comes time to keep the homos out of the UN, we align ourselves right quick with the people we're not supposed to ever buy anything from ever. And, of course, Iran. Who would be our mortalest of mortal enemies if only the neocons had been right and Iraq were a flower of self-governing stable democracy by now. And I thought it was weird yesterday when I agreed with the sheep-fucker.