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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - 2005
Memo to the Howard Center: CLASSY, FUCKOS.
You may, as longtime readers of this space, be wondering how my nemesis, the Howard Foundation, chose to celebrate this joyous time of year? The Howard Foundation is, of course, the ultra-right-wing "think" tank behind the Natural Family Manifesto, champions of heterosexual breeding, and all-around assholes. They celebrated it by, you guessed it, sending out another e-mail.
The Howard Center e-mails follow a pattern - a series of quotes of varying lengths, identified as "Family Facts" that, either because they come from crazy people or are taken out of context, seem to create support for the Center's agenda. And then they ask you for money.
So is their Christmas begging full of the warm glow of the nuclear family hearth, the rejoicing in Jesus, and other classy-type babble? It is not. It is, however, nigh-overflowing with DEAD BABIES.
We start out with "The Christmas Connection". And no, there are no lovers, no dreamers, and no felt frogs. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"[I]t is good, once again, to note that our Lord Jesus did not take up residence in Mary's womb in the late hours of December 24th, rather, Jesus came as a human first as a zygote, then embryo, fetus, and only then as the babe in a manger. If Christians are serious about the belief that Jesus was totally man while totally God-starting not at Christmas, but Annunciation-then procedures that either involve risk to embryonic life, or seek to manipulate its occurrence must be scrutinized carefully."
Here, the Howards are quoting one Karl John Shields, from something called the Center for Bioethics and Culture, which you just gotta know is one of THOSE names. You know the kind I mean. Shields, apparently now free of the clutches of Yarnell, seems to be saying that the true meaning of Christmas is to have as many babies as humanly possible, without resort to birth control of any kind, because it was good enough for Jesus.
Of course, if the magic book is to be believed, God did not rely on pesky human fertilization methods. He wanted the job done right, he did it himself. But what the hell. According to Shields, and by proxy the Howards, you should celebrate Christmas by never, ever wrapping your "present". Because that would manipulate the occurrence of embryonic life.
The Howards have also seized on the South Korean stem cell brouhaha, quoting a New York Times editorial that, in accordance with the way science works, said that if the South Koreans were faking it, our scientists should look even harder at other methods and techniques for stem cell therapy. Since, to the Howard Center, stem cell research is basically grinding up babies and putting the contents into Claritin gelcaps, they title this quote "The New York Times In Fantasyland".
And finally, they excerpt another bit of research to support their position, as mentioned previously in this space, that the reason Social Security is in so much trouble now is that all those condoms, IUDs, pills, and abortions in the past 40 years have depleted the supply of young, happy workers who would even now be paying billions into the system IF ONLY THEY'D BEEN BORN.
"While the economists refrain from drafting policy recommendations, their findings suggest that if President Bush really wants to offer workers a promising future, he needs to think more in terms of what kind of changes in Social Security would best shore up the family and fertility so that young Americans might be able to enjoy more children and grandchildren in old age."
I love the word "suggest", don't you? It's such a wonderful way to link two things in ways that other verbs, like "proves", or "shows", or "demonstrates" simply couldn't get away with. But "suggests" sounds so pleasant, like you're recommending a charming little bistro, or helping someone pick out a novel in a bookshop.
The Howard Center. What would a holy day be without them?