Archive - Sep 29, 2005
29 September, 2005 - 16:24 — Bryan Lambert
First, a quick note on Tom "The Hammer" DeLay.
It's wonderful to see him indicted, don't get me wrong, but in some ways, it was ultimately unsatisfying. I'm not going to use the dreaded p*** w*** phrase, because a while back I put it on a list, but if anyone needed to be handcuffed and brought into custody, it was Hot Tub Tommy. I'd Tivo that shit. Instead, he got to hold a news conference and begin the spin.
Come on. He's been indicted on a charge of criminal conspiracy! You can't spare a pair of cuffs? He doesn't have to prove he's not a flight risk? He OWNS PLANES. The guy would stick barbecue on a plane when he got hungry. One bail hearing. That's all I ask. Or an ankle bracelet. He can have Martha's. Keep it warm until Bill Frist needs it. Fingerprinted? Booked? Something?
I need something to reduce my stress, because the Thomas More Law Center is trying to kill me. In fact, memo to the Thomas More Law Center: STOP TRYING TO KILL ME.
The Dover Trial began this week, and I haven't mentioned it yet, because it doesn't matter. I mean, it matters in the sense that it has to happen, but it doesn't matter in the sense that it's not going to decide anything. Because whatever the outcome of the Middle District Court trial is, it'll be appealed. And the appeal will be appealed, and so on and so forth until we find out just how big a dick John Roberts is.
And in the meantime, the case is going to be argued and re-argued. And the arguments are going to be reported on. And the Thomas More Law Center, representing the idiot school district trying to teach children that Darwin was just some heathen schlub, is going to keep getting quotes in the press. And I'm going to read them, and then my skull is going to explode OVER and OVER and OVER again until I eventually die from it. Bastards.
The opening statements alone pissed off every seismologist in Minneapolis. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"This case is about free inquiry in education, not about a religious agenda." - Patrick Gillen, TMLC. Really? Where exactly are all the atheists pushing for ID, then? You can't find any, can you? BOOM! There goes the skull.
"Dover's modest curriculum change embodies the essence of liberal education." - Gillen again. That modest curriculum change was a couple of sentences of LIE. Obvious counterjoke aside, BOOM BOOM BOOM goes the skull.
"All the Dover school board did was allow students to get a glimpse of a controversy that is really boiling over in the scientific community." - Richard Thompson, TMLC chief counsel. The controversy is not boiling over in the scientific community, you thick fuck. The scientific community is boiling over because your fake "controversy" has so much traction. At this point, John Lee Hooker is now envious of how much BOOM my skull has at its disposal.
And that's just three days of a two-week trial that's just the tip of the judicial iceberg. The only thing that's going to keep me sane for the next two years is a constant string of Republican scandals, investigations, indictments, convictions, and imprisonments. Luckily, it looks like that won't be a problem.