You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Sep 28, 2005
Memo to Brownie: EUREKA!
On behalf of everyone, I'd like to apologize. You've been characterized, by myself and others, as an incompetent crony with his head so far up his own ass his acid reflux laps itself. You were the butt of innumerable jokes, all boiling down to one semantic concept - you can't do anything right. And that wasn't fair.
Because today, you stepped up. You came out of hiding and showed the world EXACTLY what qualifications you had to run George Bush's federal emergency management agency. And exactly why, after resigning, FEMA hired you as a consultant, so you could continue to receive your nearly $150,000 annual salary. But I've spoken enough. Show us your talents in your own words, in the arena known to us lesser mortals as ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"We can't deny the point that it worked in the other states and it didn't work in Louisiana. The people of FEMA are tired of being beat up and they don't deserve it."
"My biggest mistake was not recognizing by Saturday that Louisiana was dysfunctional."
"I get it when it comes to emergency management. I know what it's all about. I know how to do it and I think I do a pretty darn good job of it."
"It's my belief that FEMA did a good job in the Gulf states."
"...just tired and misspoke..."
That is precisely the kind of ass-covering, blame-shifting, accountability-denying, reality-ignoring, talkingpoint-echoing complete and utter pile of prime Arabian horse-shit you were hired for, Brownie! Finally, two weeks after stepping down, you came before Congress and showed the "loyalty above all else" attitude that got you the cushy job in the first place.
The only thing I can't figure out is, why did this take two weeks? I mean, everyone saw the trouble coming. First there was the horse judge thing, then the faked resume, the growing furor, the media's ability to ask tough questions returning like fucking Brigadoon...
It kind of makes you wonder why Brownie didn't have his excuses pre-positioned before the storm of controversy hit, so that when he was flooded with criticism, these well-trained lies could sweep in and save him. If he'd managed to plan for his inability to plan, he may not have even had to make the empty gesture of resigning (while continuing to draw his weekly paycheck).
That last quote, by the way? The one that's fragmented because I couldn't find any full quotes from the testimony? That was Brown's excuse for going on national television and admitting he'd just learned about conditions at the New Orleans Convention Center two days after it was reported in the media. And we have to believe him - he was under oath, and not even Mighty Michael Brown would risk the wrath of a blatantly partisan whitewashing committee by lying to them.
Especially given all the recent examples of people lying to Congress and receiving the kind of sanction that would make hardened death row prisoners shit themselves in terror. Just ask Oliver North.
You want to know how appalling Brown's testimony was? It was so appalling that the Republicans running this little investigative sideshow actually had to pretend to be appalled. Carefully, of course. Only in ways that attacked Brown personally, not the means by which he got his job or the people above him in the chain of command - but they had to work at it. No crossword puzzles or fiddling with cell-phones this time. Our senators and repsresentitives earned their pay today.
And so did Brownie.