Archive - Sep 14, 2005

Scraps From My Table

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Honestly, you weren't supposed to get a column today. As regular readers know, You Are Dumb Dot Net is only daily to the extent that I get around to it, but thanks to rich fucktard density in our great nation and world, I get around to it about five times a week.

But it just so happens that this very morning, in the Star Tribune, one Gene Eliasen of Minneapolis used that venerated format of condensed stupidity, the letter to the editor, to prompt me to deviate from plan and take a few spare moments to tell him that HE IS DUMB.

ACTUAL LETTER TIME!

"I'd like to toss out a word of thanks to the church leaders in Edina and St. Paul who are (once again) challenging the right-to-carry law (Star Tribune, Sept. 13). They have helped me with two very important personal issues."

See, it starts off well enough, though there is the faintest hint of sarcasm on the wind. Keen readers may be suspecting, even as I did, that perhaps the personal issues Eliasen refers to may not be entirely genuine.

"First, they inspired me to finally go out and get the training necessary to get my concealed carry permit. It's not going to be long before the religious left and their ilk will attempt to outlaw guns altogether, and I intend to be prepared for the day they come knocking."

Oh shit, he's one of those. He'd better get his gun so he can stop the government from taking his gun. He should probably get a tank and a stealth bomber while he's at it, because if the government comes to get his gun, they won't be sending one guy with a Glock.

Of course, he thinks this gun-hating government will be under the control of the "religious left". Here's a hint, dipshit. The pantheistic/atheistic left can barely score political points against a functional illiterate whose policies of hiring unqualified buddies led to the deaths of thousands. I would not be terribly concerned about the "religious left" rising to power.

"Second, these leaders have reinforced my decision of a few years ago to forgo organized religion."

Great. That means I have to worry about this fucker interrupting my Sunday brunch with his tinfoil hat.

"These left-wing churches have made it abundantly clear that it's not only the religious right that is interested in creating a theocracy in this country."

OK, it's vitally important to mention at this point the fascistic action that set poor Mr. Eliasen off. Churches sued, and won, an exemption to the conceal-carry law recently re-enacted in Minnesota. This means you can carry your concealed gun anywhere you want in the state, except a church.

Ergo, left-wing churches are trying to instill theocracy. THE FUCK? The whole point of theocracy is churches wanting to control things that aren't part of churches. Since it's a bit of a tautology that churches are part of churches, wanting to exercise control over their own churches has as much to do with theocracy as what color carpet they put in their basement lounge.

Not that I'm one to speak for the religious left, but given a choice between spending two hours in a Unitarian service and two hours palling around with Gene Gene The Drooling Machine, well, it's time to charge up the PSP and hit the pews.