You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Aug 2005
Memo to the talk-hawks: YOU ARE DUMB.
Here's some words I bet you won't be using over the next twelve months. "Cut." "Run." "No timetable." "Finish", "the", and "job". Because twelve months from now, we're going to leave Iraq to its own devices so that Republican congressmen and senators can keep their jobs. Since you folks who've been talking up this war since Day One need to maintain your delusions, I suspect you'll be practicing up on both "Mission" and "Accomplished" in the meanwhile.
Because you've got to maintain your illusions, don't you? You have to believe that Larry, The Cable President, the straight shooter whose down-home folksy brush-clearing honesty you decided you preferred over that stiff Massachussets elitist prick, is going to "git er dun" in Iraq. Well, don't worry. Your buddies in Washington will make it very easy for you to remain complacent in your illusions. It's in their best interests too, seeing as how they put them there in the first place.
But deep down, we'll all know the truth. We got into this clusterfuck for politics, and when we pull out next year, and we will, it'll be for politics too. And they'll get away with it.
They will get away with it the same way they get away with everything. They will start talking about reality a certain way. They will continue to talk about the new reality as if it isn't a blatant contradiction of their prior reality. And they will keep saying it. There's a reason that, despite calls from Congress and the American public, these fucks haven't defined victory. It's part of their exit strategy.
Everyone says the Bush administration doesn't have an exit strategy for Iraq. BULLSHIT. They just can't tell people what it is, because their exit strategy starts by deciding when they want to get out, and works backswards. The reason they haven't defined "success' is not because they can't, it's because it would have been too LIMITING. Well, the exit strategy has begun, folks. And the time they want to get out is spring/summer 2006. You know how I know this? ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!
"If the political process continues to go positively, if the developments with the [Iraqi] security forces continue to go as it is going, I do believe we will still be able to make fairly substantial reductions after these elections -- in the spring and summer of next year." - General George Casey, senior US ground commander, Iraq.
"I would have a guess of a very good number in terms of thousands, they will leave in the first half of next year, and a considerable number of multi-national forces will probably leave Iraq before the end of next year." - Mowaffak al-Rubaie, Iraq's National Security Advisor.
Now, if I think of the two least likely people to say shit like that without being ordered to, it'd be a US Army general and the Iraqi version of Condi Rice (circa 2003). This is how they lay the groundwork. You get a couple of low-ranking folks to make some statements in advance, deny it's a change, that this was their plan all along. They know most people will buy it.
Casey's statement is particularly funny. If the situation with the Iraq security forces continues as it's going... well, to those of us who've been paying attention, we know how that's been going. It's been going like complete shit. The training's way behind schedule, and when they DO learn something, there's more than a passing chance the person learning it is a member of the insurgency who's infiltrated the security forces.
Now they're not going to bother beating the insurgency - the new victory condition is as long as it doesn't get any worse. I'm sure that's comforting to the Iraqi people, suffering the equivalent of two to three London bombings a week. And they can say it's not getting worse whenever they want, because short of an entire city exploding, it's tough to find a way for it to be demonstrably worse than it is now.
And as happy as I'll be to see the back side of this clusterfuck, we all know it's not the Iraqi elections that are prompting this move. It's all about the mid-terms, folks. What comes conveniently after spring and summer 2006? Fall 2006. Poll numbers slipping, domestic agenda stalled, and a bunch of Republican senators and congressmen with their asses on the line. That's why they're making noise about the 2006 pullout now, mark my words. Close enough to November that the warm glow of "our boys are home" will carry over. Not so far away from November that the public will get a chance to see exactly what kind of country these cynical assholes have left in their misguided wake.
And you sons of bitches, who've talked up and defended this thing since day one, who've yelled on the radio and in the editorial pages anytime anyone left of Ann Coulter mentioned getting out of Iraq, talking about how we've got to finish the job, will be more than happy to believe the job got finished on a politically convenient timetable, despite any evidence to the contrary.
I mean, it's not as if "evidence to the contrary" mattered to you going in, did it? No, it did not. Your mind is already fertilizer. It's being seeded now. A year from now, the "We won in Iraq" flower will bloom. And twenty years from now, you idiot fucks and your descendants will probably try to get any history book that dares to say otherwise off the Mississippi social studies curriculum.