Archive - Aug 16, 2005

First You Shut Up, Then You Pay Up

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Memo to Great Falls, South Carolina: YOU WANT DUMB? DUMB COSTS.

And here's where you start paying. In dollars.

Since we spend so much time talking about awful things here at You Are Dumb Dot Net, it's fun every once in a while to just sit back, point, and laugh while a bunch of idiots get shot down. Like Great Falls. Specifically, the City Council, which is getting sued again by self-proclaimed Wiccan Priestess Darla Wynne.

Now normally, you would not see me automatically taking the side of Wiccans. Just because your superstition has you celebrating Solstice instead of Easter doesn't make you any better than the Pope in my book. And "Blessed Be" is, beyond a shadow of a doubt, the single most punchable invocation known to man.

Still, when it comes down to a fight between a religion populated by wankers* and a religion populated by assholes, I'll raise the sticky Wiccan banner every time. Which is why I hope very much that Darla Wynne gets her sixty five grand.

That's her court costs, you see. Wynne sued the City Council back in 2001 because, before every council meeting, they had a little prayer to Jesus. Now, we all know that's a bad idea, because we understand the nature of the separation of church and state, but this is small-town South Carolina, where if you don't believe in Jesus, tough shit.

Wynne asked for nondenominational prayer, and was refused. So she sued, and won. The town appealed, screaming "WE LOVE JESUS". She won. The town appealed again, screaming "WE LOVE TRADITION". She won again. The town appealed to the Supreme Court. The Supreme Court told them to fuck off, because let's face it, praying to Jesus before your government meeting is an obvious no-no to everyone except Clarence Thomas.

Because of all the pointless appeals, Wynne racked up sixty-five grand in attorney's fees, and she wants to be compensated. And I can't blame her. First, that many candles don't buy themselves. And second, given that people in the town broke into her house and BEHEADED HER PET PARROT in retribution for her lawsuit, if these pigfuckers get off with only a $65,000 tab, they should consider themselves lucky. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"In government work, that's a big chunk. It'll be an enormous undertaking for us." - Town attorney Michael Hemlepp, who noted that the amount is nearly a tenth of the town's annual budget. Which certainly would inspire sympathy, except that it was the town's own repeated votes to appeal that led to this situation.

Unfortunately, local churches and residents are already pledging to donate to help pay the debt, should a judge grant the costs to Wynne. If it were up to me, I'd love to see these bastards have to raise taxes to pay for the costs, so they'd reap the full political damage from their boneheaded decision.

"I just don’t see how one Wiccan in the whole state of South Carolina can stop the moral majority from saying Jesus’ name." - That was state senator Randy Scott, back in November. Well, the Moral Majority, even in Deep Woods Fuck-Off, South Carolina, is going to have to get used to the fact that for the first time in a long time, not all their neighbors believe in Bearded White Jesus, and if they want to represent all their citizens, they'll have to put a cork in it during official government business. I'm sure they can make up for it during the rest of the week.

*Oh, by the way, in honor of Larry Mattlage from yesterday's column, I have decided that "practicing for dove season" is now a euphemism for masturbation, and you should work it into as many suitable conversations as possible, in the hope that five years from now, someone who's never read my column will use it like that in my presence.