Archive - Aug 2005

Category Five Idiocy

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It's time, once again, for You Are Dumb Dot Net's semi-periodic roundup of stupid shit said, and the stupid shits that said them: IDIOTS SAY THE DAMNDEST THINGS.

"God's got our back."

No, this is not the slogan of The G-Team, the crack paramilitary squad consisting of Pat Robertson, Michael Savage, Alan Keyes, and Fred Phelps, who take out gay leftist commie Latin American Islamic extremists with nothing but a pickup truck and a welding torch. But it's a nice thought.

Those are the words of 73-year-old New Orleans resident Josephine Elow, as Hurricane Katrina weakened and turned on Monday, managing to only -partially- bury New Orleans in millions of gallons of rain, river, and seawater.

God does not have your back. Or, if he does, he's telling you to GET THE FUCK OUT. This is, I believe, the fourth major bullet the Big Easy has dodged in the past decade, despite the fact that experts have been saying the entire time that if the worst does happen, the Mississippi Delta will turn into a toxic lagoon that'll make the entire area the setting for post-apocalyptic roleplaying games for the next century. And this near-miss still managed to flood most of the city with up to 20 feet of water, kill hundreds, and lead to the complete evacuation of the city. Well, the hurricane and the levee that broke 'cause they didn't fix it 'cause the money got yanked to pay for more people to make sure you take your shoes off at the airport. But mostly the hurricane, and one minor quibbling fact of geography.

You people live BELOW SEA LEVEL. That means that, were nature left to its own devices, all your beads and titties and cajun zydeco jamborees would be BREATHING SALT WATER. Which is fine if your house is some kind of pressurized dome, but a lot less bright when it's just some quaint porches and wrought-iron balconies. If God really had your back, he'd give you gills and mildew-resistent carpeting.

"There is no proof that we are aware of regarding the truthfulness of her claim. We require proof of claims such as this. Until that is provided, our station will not carry this ad."

Your big hint on this quote is the pronoun, "she". Since missing Aruban blondes can't buy ad time, the "she" in question is therefore Cindy Sheehan. Her claim, so painstakingly researched and refuted in the above quote? That George W. Bush lied about weapons of mass destruction in Iraq.

The dipshit speaking is Paul Anovick, who rejected the family fortune from the rectal fresheners that bear his name to toil ceaselessly as the vice president of sales at Fisher Broadcasting, parent of the Idaho CBS station that rejected Sheehan's ad.

I'm not sure how much proof he needs. They said there were weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. There were no weapons of mass destruction in Iraq. Fuck knows, they tried to trumpet and spin and build up every single alleged find and false-positive and twenty-year-old shell in a closet they dug up, but they got nothing and everyone knows it.

Yes, the word "lie" carries with it a certain connotation of intent, but barring the kind of paper trail everyone's learned not to leave since Nixon fucked up, that intent isn't provable. So what we're left with is that if they DIDN'T lie, they were wrong to an astonishing degree that coincidentally was incredibly helpful to them achieving their goals. And if you believe THAT, well, you probably run a TV station in deep red-state potatoeland.

I can't help but wonder, though. Did Anovick use the same kind of strict definition and intellectual rigor when it came time to evaluate the Swift Boat ads last year? On the one hand, I hate to make that kind of speculative partisan argument about what someone may or may not have done. On the other hand, I bet he ran the anti-Kerry ads without even the slightest twinge of skepticism. That's how this always goes down.

"This is our tsunami."

Mayor A.J. Holloway of Biloxi, Mississippi, where upwards of eighty whole people may have died from a hurricane.

Now, I want to be fair to Holloway. So I will not make a joke about how Mississippi's educational system is woefully deficient in the math department. That would be MEAN. I'm sure that Holloway, as a longtime resident of Mississippi, really and truly believes that the loss of 80 Southern, American lives is just as bad as a couple hundred thousand dead brown and yellow people halfway around the world.

So, you know. It'd be wrong to make fun of him for being unable to count.