Archive - Jun 29, 2005

The Legacy Of Nostradammit

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So I've been doing some genealogical research of late, and it turns out that I am directly descended from one of Europe's lesser prophet/stand-up comics* of the late 1400's. As a result, I've recently come into a copy of his writings, The Prophecies of Nostradammit, and quite frankly, it is creeping me the fuck out. For example, yesterday it was announced yesterday that Sum 41 frontman Deryck** Whibley**, and Canadian she-beast Avril Lavigne, are engaged to be married. I flip through the prophecies, and sure enough, there on page 37, I find this:

And lo, there shall come to be born the greatest of all Poseurs, and this Poseur shall lead the rest of the Poseurs in a mighty uprising against the forces of Authenticity. And this uprising will go largely unnoticed by the populace, having long since lost the ability to distinguish authenticity from their own bunghole. Also, this child's visage will be so horrific, its father will have to hang a three-album deal around its neck just to get its mother to pay attention to it.

Now, as a rational modern individual, I hold no truck with prophecy, but you have to admit, that's a bit freaky. I mean, I spent weeks puzzling over some of the more obscure bits until events revealed themselves. A month ago, "The bat needs not a beard, it is a ridiculous, unnecessary appendage" was just some kind of 15th-century observational one-liner, until I realized that Nostradammit was talking about Katie Holmes playing Bruce Wayne's love interest.

And who knows. Maybe I picked up some of that genetic predisposition to foretelling. After all, not twelve hours after I pointed out how unlikely it was that Tennessee would bring the shithammer down on the fucks at Love In Action, word came out that they were abandoning their child abuse investigation. Yep. Me and great great great grandaddy Nostradammit, shredding the murky veil of the future like it's Duke Cunningham's private files.

I'm really starting to think there's something to this. Check out this passage:

Beware unto you the time when the mantle of fairness and balance is taken up by those who would in sooth aspire to neither. For there shall come a day when Moses' tablets are forsworn, and this will cause much weeping and gnashing of teeth amongst those who lay with swine. And the lupine ones shall give the swinelayers a voice so loud, so carrying, as to annoy the just. And the just shall vent their annoyance through the mystical triumverate, the words of power, ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

And sure enough, when the Supreme Court made Kentucky get rid of its blatantly Jesusphilic framed Ten Commandments in the courthouse, the pigfuckers started whining, and Fox News gave them a huge story under the sympathetic header "Commandments Decision Saddens Bible Belt". Even though they won one in Texas, the one they lost on Monday, plus the bunch the court refused to take up yesterday, certainly got Roy Moore's frilly panties with built-in vibrator in a bunch. ACTUAL QU... But I bet you saw that coming, didn't you?

""We're talking about acknowledging the God on which this nation was built. Certainly the court has no authority to forbid that acknowledgment." I know the Roy Moores of this world don't actually occupy the same mental reality as the rest of us, but less than 24 hours after the court that DOES have authority to forbid that acknowledgement went ahead and forbid that fucking acknoweldgement, to say that they can't do what they just did means it's time to call for a straitjacket and 20cc's of Thorazine. Oh, wait. He said it on Fox and Friends, so by comparison, I guess it sounded reasonable.

The whole fucking shebang can be summed up with this bit from the Fox story. "'They take prayer out of schools, they take the Ten Commandments down and they wonder what's wrong with our society. It's just wrong,' said Joe Kidd, who was working at a fireworks stand in Whitley City." - You know what's wrong with society? That FIREWORKS SALESMEN FROM KENTUCKY are being asked for policy positions on the separation of church and state. Especially ones with a name like a shitty late 80's country-rock band.

I'm just about out of space for today, but let me leave you with these parting words from Nostradammit.

For one day, man shall take wing, and soar through the skies like the birds do. And yet, the food they eat while flying shall be as the dung of a mule. What, I ask you, is up with that?

*The two jobs were essentially interchangeable at the time.