Archive - Apr 2005

April 1st

Saved By The Buoyancy Of Citrus

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Before we begin. What I'm about to do breaks one of the rules I set for myself when I started this column, so I'm not doing it lightly.

Mitch Hedberg died Wednesday. He was very funny. On purpose. We cover a lot of people here who are funny by accident, so the distinction is an important one. Anyway, he dropped dead in his hotel room at age 37. I normally find the practice of, upon an artist's tragic death, suddenly deciding to acquaint yourself with their body of work to be one of human nature's uglier manifestations, but in this case, I'll grant special dispensation. If you like comedy, and I can only assume, since you're reading this column, that there's at least a 20% chance you do, go and get yourself some Mitch.


Honestly, it's the mark of a cold, unforgiving, and cruel universe that Hedberg would kick off right before the annual Internet Festival Of Shit That Isn't Funny. Before computers came around to ruin everything for everyone and give us free music, April 1st was known by the quaint "April Fool's Day" moniker, and people would play gentle pranks on each other on a personal, face-to-face basis. Then they danced around a maypole or something. I'm a bit fuzzy on the details, but I'm pretty sure it's all there in the video for "Safety Dance" if you want to research it yourself.

Now we have the Internet, which has turned a low-key, pointless holiday into a contest to see which pop-culture site can come up with the most retarded hoax that other pop culture sites will believe and repeat. The results are unconvincing, ridiculous, and odds are you've seen three of them already by the time you've hit this site.

Here's some handy advice for those of you still a bit confused about today. Don't believe ANYTHING ON THE INTERNET TODAY. Hell, don't even believe me when I say I'm tired of the whole stupid thing and would never participate on this site. Doesn't bother me. And this should be pretty easy for you, because all it requires is a simple tweaking of what you should be doing in the first place - not believing anything on the Internet EVER. If it IS true, it'll still be true a week from now, and you can find it out from a variety of sources.

And when I say "don't believe anything", that's precisely what I mean. Read things on the Internet today if you must, but when you finish, remind yourself that it is a lie and behave accordingly. Do not merely question the veracity of what you see, deny it utterly. Because the only thing more annoying than the hoaxes themselves are the knobs who respond to say "I think this is an April Fool's joke." Nobody cares what you think.

And the only thing more annoying than the knobs who feel the need to point out the obvious are the megaknobs who say shit like "I think this is probably an April Fool's Joke, but in case it isn't..." and then there's three paragraphs of raving about the horrible fake thing that's an insult to decency and common sense. First of all, IT IS A HOAX. And second of all, in the nigh-impossible circumstance where it is not a hoax, whatever misspelt, misplaced rage you're venting is likely to be retarded and unnecessary anyway. So either way, you lose.


And since we're covering pointless rituals, this weekend marks the beginning of Daylight Savings Time. Now, DST is dumb, and a relic of a bygone age before light bulbs when you couldn't get a taco at 2 in the morning. But when it comes right down to it, it's only an hour. It does not require an elaborate list of coping mechanisms, as provided to local newspapers by the Discovery Health Channel, which needs to get back to its primary purpose - showing non-stop footage of disgusting surgery that we can flip past on our way to real television.

They suggest (and despite the date, I am not fucking kidding, because it appeared on March 30) that you "create a command center". A COMMAND CENTER. For daylight savings time. The whole thing reads like the loss of 2am is a neutron bomb dropped on the American family.

That's the other thing. If you don't have kids, apparently, the Discovery Health people think you should fuck right off. Their only advice to the childless is "eat breakfast". Everything else is "read your kids a story" or "make sure the kids have non-perishable lunch items, and get their backpacks ready the night before." Well, thanks for the tip, Discovery Channel! Now show the lions fucking again! What's that, you say? My body requires food to survive? Thank fuck for cable, because Dateline and 20/20 are completely ignoring this "people need food" story. Goddamn mainstream media. I should start a blog. Wonder if eatsomefuckingbreakfastalready.blogspot.com is taken?

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