Archive - Feb 2005

February 28th

Loser, 42, Seeks Coulter With Boobs

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One of the "great" "advantages" of doing this column is constantly having to redefine my personal vision of hell. Until yesterday, I thought hell was twenty thousand born-again missionary teens in Tennessee. But I was wrong.

That was like Hell's green room. While you wait for your eternal torment to begin, you go to Tennessee where the missionary kids are, sit around, suffer a bit... maybe have a muffin. It won't be a good muffin, because this is Hell's green room. It'll probably be like a goat testicle and walnut muffin. And you will wonder how a muffin made with succulent goat testicles could be so dry and crumbly. Thus the power of Satan is revealed.

Eventually, your time in Hell's green room will end. You'll wave goodbye to the smiling missionaries, toss your muffin paper onto the steaming pile of entrails marked "Recycling", and proceed to Hell Proper, where you will find yourself in a room full of the conservative losers who've decided to try and find love with the help of Sean Hannity.

Yes, the same Sean "Fuckwad" Hannity from FOX News and the radio. He has a website. Hannity.com, in a narcissistic yet unoriginal shocker. And on hannity.com, you will find "Hannidate 2005". Well, you shouldn't actually find Hannidate 2005, but I know you will. I warn you not to look. I tell you instead to use my column like those special glasses Kirk and Spock had to use to look at Ambassador Kollos*. But you never listen, and are driven to madness by the ugliness of it all.

At Hannidate 2005, conservatives can seek like-"minded" conservatives for love, companionship, and lots of either incredibly freaky or incredibly repressed sex. Or both. What kind of person tries to use one of the media's worst pundits as a way to get laid? Let's find out, shall we?

THE DIVORCED: Boy, for a bunch of right-wing Christians, the fact that 18 of the first 36 people listed on the site are divorced sure seems strange. I mean, from what I recall, the official line is that divorce is a horrible, family-destroying curse on America, sought and easily gained by lazy hedonists who can't make the effort to keep their marriage together.

THE OLD: Average age of the first 36 people**? 42.5. And that's providing a VERY GENEROUS "40" for everyone who refused to put their actual age in, so odds are it's higher than that. Not that there's anything wrong with a bunch of divorced, right-wing baby boomers trying to get their freak on... actually, there kind of is. Especially since, when you look at which personals get looked at, it's the small number of slim, fun-loving women in their 20's that are getting all the attention. Hannity should have just registered TROPHYWIFE.COM and called it a day.

THE ILLITERATE: I know it's the Internet, but maybe these people should have spent less time scanning ten year old pictures of themselves and soft-focusing them in Photoshop, and a little more time learning the English language like they all want to force immigrants to do. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"About Me I'm a man of adventure of course, Happy, Healthy .....( single at the moment ) ..... Intelligent, Successful, Strong, Sexy Funny , Enjoy a wide variety of music, Rock Climbing, Kayaking, Backpacking, Skiing , About who I would like to meet." - Richard, age 45, from California. Someone needs to explain to Richard that this is NOT what they mean by "capital gains". But hey, he says he's intelligent, so obviously his complete punctuation dysfunction must be a stylistic thing.

THE INSANE: Misogynists, nutsoids, potential serial killers, and zealots by the truckload! Hannity.com is your one-stop-shop for that codependent "fixer-upper" you've been looking for! Let's take a look.

"... looking for a LADY, 45 to 55 years old, no tatoos, no body piercings except ears, but most importantly NOT LIBERAL (lady and not liberal kind of go hand in hand, don't they?)." - Mark, age 49, from parts unknown. I'm sure that once Mark finds the right lady, he'll cancel his subscription to Suicide Girls*** right away. Really.

"I drive an SUV. I'm A Christian and believe in the creator I am in sound mind and body and would love to find a woman that has a like mind and same out look of life. I believe that Sean Hannity is a great American and Allen Colmbs needs a brain transplant." - 52-year-old Jery from California, another of the right-wing's Spelling and Punctuation Squad. "Allen Colmbs" is, of course, Hannity's co-host on FOX, weenie "liberal" Alan Colmes.

"I'm 41 and have never been married. I work in Customer Service..." "I am a conservative Christian who enjoys reading, movies, going out to eat, staying in, and singing in the church choir. I'm the guy in the bookstore sitting in a comfortable reading and drinking a latte..." "My musical tastes are rather eclectic, basically anything except hip hop" "I'm trying to learn the game of golf." - Excerpts from David, who has a tough time meeting women because they keep hanging themselves five minutes into their first conversation.

Having not even scratched the surface, I believe we need to continue our tour of White Shameland, USA tomorrow. It gets "better".

*It's OK. You can pretend you had to look it up.

**There is a limit to what I will put myself through for your amusement. Looking at three out of twelve pages is all even my jaded brain can take.

***If you don't know, don't Google it from work.