Archive - Oct 25, 2005

Save The Video Stores Of The Future

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Memo to America's child actors: YOUR SERVICES ARE NO LONGER REQUIRED.

It has come to my attention that we have a serious overpopulation problem vis a vis the child actor species. It's the only possible explanation for the chain of films we have been presented this year. The herd needs to be culled.

Note that I am not suggesting that child actors be hunted for sport on a deserted island while the whole exercise is filmed for a new reality series. Nor am I suggesting that the resulting corpses should be given to celebrity chefs as part of a large charity banquet.

But after seeing the trailer to "Cheaper By The Dozen 2", I ain't ruling it out either.

If you haven't seen it yet, I'm sure you will. Steve Martin, who we'll discuss a bit more shortly, is the father of a Duggarian twelve kids. That's what the first movie was about. The second movie has the consequences of Martin's latex allergy going up against a similar-sized brood led by Eugene Levy, who doesn't look Catholic to me. Hijinks inevitably ensue.

That's 24 child actors right there. Enough for M. Night Shyamalan to make "The One Hundred And Forty Fourth Sense". And that is just the cervix of an enormous celluloid womb overflowing with gratuitous fecundity.

Remember this summer? Nothing but kids sports movies. "Kicking and Screaming". "Rebound". "The Bad News Bears". Even just counting the team of misfits and the evil team of snobs they invariably defeat, that's twenty two from the soccer, ten from the basketball, and eighteen from the baseball.

That's fifty child actors just to make three crappy movies. From a purely ecological standpoint, I have to assume that the causal pressure is coming from the number of actors, not the sudden demand to see children everywhere. Hollywood feels bad for the cute little moppets, and if Steve Martin has to whore himself out to give them work, so be it.

Which reminds me. We, as a nation, need to save Steve Martin from himself. All the Mark Twain Awards in the world don't lessen the fact that once every year or so, he puts on the tattered fishnets and hits the street, looking for johns. "Bringing Down The House", the "Father Of The Bride" movies, and now these Dozens. Every time we pay Martin for a little "family entertainment", we exploit him, and ourselves. There's only about six months of goodwill left in me at this rate, and I really don't want to have to start hating him.

And speaking of hate - "Yours, Mine, and Ours". Like Dozen, it's a remake of a movie from a simpler time. Only this one ups the ante to EIGHTEEN children in one family, a right-wing breeder fantasy of nigh-Biblical proportions. It's the Enormous Omelet of blended family movies, packing three times the RDA of Brady Bunch Bullshit.

We have to do something. We can't just keep creating employment opportunities for the moppet community. They have to get their numbers down before they turn to cannibalism. Or something even less fun. And it's in society's best interests - to take a page from Bill Bennett, if you get rid of the child stars now, you'll lower the crime rate from FORMER child stars in the future.