Archive - Oct 20, 2005

Postcards From The Theocracy

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Every once in a while, I think it's important to check in with the theocracy. Not that I necessarily think we'll end up as one - that's a bit paranoid lefty for my tastes - but to remind folks of the kind of world the rabid right would have us live in.

For example, museums. Previously in this space, we've covered the American Taliban's anti-science efforts to build their own museums that patiently explain how the Grand Canyon was created by the flood, how the dinosaurs were friends with Jesus, and how hundreds of years of rational thought don't add up to jack shit compared to their one book.

But museums are expensive! you have to build them, and make up all the fake science stuff from scratch to fill them with, and hire crazy people to work there, and have a snack bar. Why go to all that trouble when there are hundreds of museums already standing and full of stuff? That's where "Biblically Correct Tours" comes in.

Think of BCTours as a "skin" for a piece of software, like Winamp. The programmers of Winamp spend years developing, programming, and building an MP3 player and music library manager. And then some dork with a pirated copy of Photoshop comes along and covers all the menus with naked pictures of Sailor Moon.

Similarly, the Biblically Correct Tours people go to existing, established museums, but with their own tour groups and guides, pointing at the dinosaurs and telling children they're five thousand years old.

Their crimes are the common crimes of creationists - their home page currently trumpets a fossil find as "The world of evolutionists was once again turned right-side up..."

It seems to me that you wouldn't want to be learning science from someone who thinks "right side up" is a bad thing, but then, I'm not a complete fucking idiot who thinks penguins are just birds who adapted (but didn't evolve) to colder weather after they stepped off the Ark.

To be fair, you'll only get to learn these things in Theocracy if you're a man. Women will not learn these things, because they aren't relevant to homemaking, subservience, and spraying out children in a Duggaresque frenzy.

At least, that's the case if you believe Jennie Chancy, author of a web page even more spartan than my own, Letters from Jennie.

In her letters, Jennie explains how, after four years of college and a career in media relations, she realized she was "breaking Covenant" with God, quit her job, got married, and has never been happier. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"God made woman for man. As much as the feminists hate the idea, it is true. Conversely, man was made to protect, cherish and nourish the woman. Men who are not doing that and are not loving their wives as Christ loved the church are covenant-breakers. Women who refuse to stay home and obey their fathers or husbands are also covenant-breakers. They are inverting God’s created order, which is God-Man-Woman-Animals. Today we have Animals-Woman-Man-God. Just take a look at what our society holds dear and who gets the most press time! Christians must strive to return to God’s created order."

I cannot figure out where Jennie is getting her news. I mean, you would suspect Fox, but even Fox doesn't cover animals more than it does women, or women more than it does men. God doesn't get a lot of -overt- coverage, true, but Jesus keeps making the cover of Time.

I admit I do not understand most of the Letters From Jennie. They contain convoluted contradictions - one paragraph tells us that "[Her father] is to guard her from all the “Mr. Wrongs” in the world while she waits for Mr. Right.", then four paragraphs later, "The single girl is not to sit around waiting for Mr. Right."

Jennie swears up and down that she isn't opposed to women seeking an education, as long as it's a womanly, in-the-home kind of thing like midwifery, or apparently, running a home-based sewing business. But she shoots down those who might seek career-based education. "What would you plan to do with a degree in nursing or business, given that it is unbiblical for a woman to work outside of her home and out from under her father’s or husband’s authority? This is antithetical to Scriptural principles and God’s commands for a woman."

Jennie, by the way, has three kids in three and a half years. Now, it's her choice to do so, just like it's her choice to espouse the values of masculine dominance and biblical chauvinism. But remember, every time some motherfucker tries to tell you this country was founded on "Christian values", that this is the kind of thing they'd like to roll us back to. Penguins off the Ark, and women in the kitchen.