Archive - Oct 17, 2005

Not In A Sex Way, But In A Viking Way

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Soon they'll be making another run! The Sex Boat! Promises something really nasty for everyone!

Sex Boat is comedy gold. If the boat's a rockin', it must be the Vikings. And not the raping, pillaging Vikings who just got their own line of Legos. No, these are the raping, pillaging, football-playing Minnesota Vikings, who did not get a line of Legos.

Although they did spend a weekend inserting their pegs into matching holes. If you know what I mean. Biologically speaking.

OBLIGATORY FAIRNESS PARAGRAPH: Not all of the Vikings, of course. Only about 17 team members were on two chartered lake-crusing boats two weekends ago. And not all 17, according to reports, participated in the Sex Boat antics.

What kind of antics? Well, details are still coming out, but so far, what we have seems to involve flying a dozen or so women up from Atlanta, bringing them on the boats, getting drunk, getting naked, having lots of public sex on the boats, taking pictures of the public sex on the boats, and harassing the female boat employees go join in the nautical bacchanalia*.

The situation was so nasty, the cruise was cut short forty minutes into its three point five hour tour. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, the Sex Boat was the victim of a premature evacuation.**

This whole ugliness raises, to me, a number of very interesting questions. First, why Atlanta? There has been some discussion that perhaps, the ladies from Atlanta were getting compensated for their services, but even then, they can't use local hookers? They've gotta add air fare and hotels to the bill? That seems awfully extravagant.

I mean, one of the arguments for a publicly funded Vikings stadium (an idea which the Sex Boat seems to have fucked for at least another year, hooray) is that having a sports team in town is a boost for the local economy. Where's the boost if it's the Georgia ho's getting all the action? More jobs lost to outsourcing, and it's a damn shame.

Question #2: What, exactly, were they celebrating? Can't have been their on-field performance. I don't know much about sports, but even I recognize sucking at football when it's that egregious. You don't make big plans for a Sex Boat to celebrate sucking at football. If I had a drunken sex party every time I sucked at football, I'd never get this damn column written.

The worst part of the whole thing, the part that really offends me, isn't the drinking, the nudity, or the sex. It's not even the harassment, although obviously I can't condone it. But it's this report that, to me, should bring the harshest punishment. ACTUAL NEWS QUOTE TIME!

"Doyle said several factors explained the delay. After the boats returned to dock and guests departed, the crew had to clean the boat, he said, finding 'used rubbers, K-Y Jelly, Handi Wipes, wrappers for sex toys - it was just incredible how it was left.'" - The Minneapolis Star-Tribune, quoting the boat company's lawyer. That's just wrong.

What kind of example does this set for the children? Kids, if you're reading this, please, clean up after your sex parties. The service industry in this country works hard, for low wages and crappy tips, and the last thing they need is to go around the boat, hotel room, office, airplane restroom, or movie theater skybox you used and pick up all your skanky leavings. Be a hoot, don't pollute.

Team owner Zygi Wilf took valuable time away from being embarassed by his goofy name to assure us all that his first priority would be to "build a first-class franchise both on and off the field."

I hope his contract includes time and a half, 'cause he's got about a decade of overtime ahead of him.

*For any Minnesota Vikings that may be having this read to them, a "bacchanalia" means a big naked drunken sex party, and "nautical" means on a boat. GO VIKES!

**You have the right to a rimshot. If you cannot afford a rimshot, one will be provided for you.