Archive - Jan 6, 2005

One Missionary's Position

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Before I move on to my main topic for today, I just have to take a solid minute to laugh at Tucker Carlson.

Man, that's gotta hurt. Gotta fucking sting. Straight through the bow-tie and in the jugular. First you get a new boss - a new head of CNN who got the job in November. Then he announces to the entire world that your services, and, in fact, the show that made you a name (Crossfire) are no longer needed. And while he does this, as the topper, he name-checks the guy that called you a dick on national television. ACTUAL QUOTE TIME!

"I guess I come down more firmly in the Jon Stewart camp."

- Jonathan Klein, who, for making Carlson feel like the tiny little bitch that he is, and at the very least paying lip service to the idea that journalism is more than two people yelling at each other, is You Are Dumb's Hero of the Day.

Of course, Klein will have to share a tiny bit of the spotlight with another hero, but not too much. See, the Rev. Louie Giglio is also my hero, but he didn't do it on purpose. Because HE IS DUMB.

Rev. Louie Giglio is presiding over what would, for me, be my new personal hell. This new hell deposes the previous hell, which involved Rod Stewart, an iPod, and a direct neural interface. My new idea of personal hell on earth, though, is Passion '05, a teen Christian missionary convention in Nashville, Tennessee. Four days of group praise, Christian rock, and group discussions on converting the heathens. Fine if you're into that kind of thing, and ever want to step foot in Tennessee, but not for me, thanks.

Passion '05 attracts people like Nicole Miller, who's from Oklahoma, and appears to treat her faith either like Pilates or Super Mario Brothers. "I want to move to the next level in my worship. I want to be able to take the next step, you know, to move higher.'' Jesus? Or Amway? YOU MAKE THE CALL.

Anyway, when he addressed his giant circle-church* on the first day, Giglio presented them with a bold and fascinating idea that, if implemented fully, could destroy the young missionary community and fill the ranks of the hedonist heathens to bursting. Giglio, no doubt heady with the red-state rush, came to realize that perhaps all those young, eager Christians attending religious colleges with hundreds of other young, eager Christians wasn't the most effective means of spreading the word. They were LITERALLY preaching to the converted.

The thing about Giglio is, everywhere he goes, people know the part he's playin'. And he figured that if these young missionaries really wanted to reach out, they should transfer to secular schools like NYU, which he claimed had a Christian population of a coupla hundred in a student body of 12,000. On the face of it, Giglio's idea has merit. If you're going to convert the heathens, you gotta go where the heathens are. 'Cause they're not gonna come to Nashville Fucking Tennessee for New Years, that's for sure.

Ten thousand college-age students attended Passion '05. So even assuming they all took his advice to heart, and were able to infiltrate Satan's network of urban, secular learning instutions, with their Communist professors and such, the numbers just don't look good. Maybe fifty end up in any one school, tops, and these are schools with four and five digit student populations.

Out of those fifty, you'll end up with four turning their Jesus statues into bongs and smoking their Bibles. Seven who were sent to religious college against their will and just took this opportunity to get out while they could. Fourteen of the women will make up the entire cast of the next three "Girls Gone Wild" DVD's. Five will discover "art", defined as black clothes and bisexuality. Eight will simply oversleep for enough consecutive Sundays that they'll be to embarrassed to go back. The remaining, faithful dozen will join (or start) the college's Christian organization, and spend four years involved in campus politics and interpersonal drama.

This is why religious colleges exist in the first place. If Giglio thinks it's a great idea to deplete their enrollment and send his army of Nicole Millers out into the big bad world, he's welcome to try. But even in our burgeoning theocracy, like Slimfast, actual results will vary.

*Yes, I know I stole that. And yes, I know where I stole that from.