Archive - Jan 5, 2005

The Ancient Art of Lingamfelting

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Memo to Virginia Republicans and Mark Warner: YOU ARE DUMB.

You know, as much as I occasionally fear turning You Are Dumb into the All Gay Marriage, All The Time channel, the fight in America is just so goddamned stupid that things keep happening that demand comment and ragespew. The right keeps pushing for amendments, winning locally and losing nationally, while the left hems and haws and tries not to offend a huge chunk of the population who's already convinced the left is dead-set on converting every last American to the "gay lifestyle".

The latest battleground? Virginia, a state either so terrified of sex that they've got "virgin" in their name, or so pro-hetero they named their state after female genitalia before an unfortunate accident with dialect and transcription changed history forever. Living up to their motto as the I'll Have What She's Having State, Virginia has decided it needs its own state constitutional amendment banning gay marriage.

The amendment itself is at least another year away, as it has to pass in the state legislature twice, then pass a referendum. But that's no reason why intolerant pigfuckers shouldn't be able to display their bigotry proudly on their cars. And not with some lousy bumper sticker, either. With their license plates.

The whole "themed license plate" thing is ridiculous to begin with. State governments have been raising revenue by putting ducks on license plates for environmentalists to put on their SUV's, or adding pro-life slogans to custom plates so Planned Parenthood employees know who to key in the bank parking lot. And now, in Virginia, they want to put interlocked golden rings and a heart on the license plates so that people can show their support for "traditional marriage".

Which is funny, because there's nothing about the design that indicates man-woman marriage at all. Maybe they'll add a slogan. Or maybe they'll get "clever" and add the pagan Roman male-female symbol additions to the rings. That way we'll be absolutely sure that they're pricks, as if the Bush/Cheney bumper stickers, Support Our Troops magnets, and confederate flags on their cars weren't clue enough.

In case my generally leftie readership had any doubt why we keep getting our asses handed to us, allow me to compare and contrast the pro-plate argument, made by a Republican, and the anti-plate argument, from Virginia's Democratic governor, Mark Warner. First, let's hear from Delegate (Virginia's quaint name for a state rep) L. Scott Lingamfelter, whose name is BEGGING to be used for a deviant sexual practice. What's the ol' lingamfelter got to say?

"The American people in November made a very, very clear statement in favor of traditional marriage. You saw it again and again across the country. It's for people who want to signify their support for something that has seemed to have worked for 4,000 years." See that? Clear. Concise. Definitive. Speaking from a position of incontrovertible rightness. Two, count 'em, TWO "very"s in a row! The only hedging is on the 4,000 years bit, and that's because he knows it's complete bullshit. So he slips the "seemed" in there to try to get out of being mocked by people like me. Which doesn't work, but by gum, you've got to admire him for trying.

Now here's Mark Warner. Democratic Governor Mark Warner. Who many speculate is going to run for PRESIDENT in 2008. You can already buy "Warner in '08" bumper stickers. The emphasis is mine.

"Our license plates kind of turn too much into political sloganeering on either end of the spectrum. It would probably be better policy if everyone on both sides agreed that maybe you can put your sports team or your college on your license plate. There's nothing wrong with putting a bumper sticker that advocates a political position, but the state approving political statements of any type maybe ought not to be on a license plate.

Mark Warner is a fucking pussy. No, that's not fair. To pussies. Mark Warner is such a fucking milquetoast that he can't get through an episode of Lawrence Welk without cringing. He used so many weasel-words in his statement his skull could qualify as a National Weasel Refuge. The guys from Five For Fighting took a short break from writing and recording the whiniest, wimpiest ballads in the history of the planet to send a telegram to Mark Warner telling him to GROW A FUCKING PAIR. If he runs, and gets the nomination, with this kind of craven, pandering, half-assed bullshit spewing from his liehole, the Democratic Party and the left in general truly deserve the ball-gag and dog collar they've been wearing since Clinton's second term.

What Lingamfelter said was bullshit, full of right-wing bigot-code and falsehoods, but the dirty pigfucker sounded like he believed what he was saying. Warner, on the other hand, sounded like everything the public hates about politicians in general and Modern Democrats in particular. No fire. No passion. No conviction. And no chance in hell of winning a Presidential election. Google up a picture of him. He makes John Kerry look like Brock Lesnar. HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE.