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You Are Dumb, which is not a blog, posts new columns every weekday, except for a couple of days each month when it doesn't. It is also a Twitter feed, @youaredumb, with content in a similar vein but much shorter. My spinoff food site, Forkbastard, can be found easily enough by the clever.
Archive - Jul 12, 2004
Before we begin, I'd like to officially call for a ten-year moratorium on the phrase "perp walk". Has there been, in recent history, a term that's arced from nonexistent to relevant to annoying to hateful to useless AND hateful in less time? There has not.
I mean, "perp" is bad enough when cops use it, but at least they're sort of... allowed to. They can have their own slang. But anybody else using "perp" just comes off as a wanker, and any wanker who knowingly appends "walk" is compounding their crime exponentially. Oooh, Ken Lay's in handcuffs, and he's WALKING. It's so gritty. Finally, real punishment for corporate crime, as if, at the finish line to this little display, there weren't four defense attorneys, a giant novelty bail check, and two personal assistants with a decaf latte and a warm towel waiting for Lay.
"Perp Walk" is the kind of phrase that makes today's weak-livered, low-fiber Journalist Substitutes cream themselves and make them think that the stuff they're watching and regurgitating is "news". Plus, at eight letters and two syllables, it's perfect for USA Today, and fits into a tight headline space than "pointless show of authority by the figurehead law enforcement departments who the Ken Lays of the world buy and sell eight times before breakfast". But hey. three minutes and 20 seconds of holding his hands behind his back oughta show him who's boss.
Having gotten What Not To Say out of the way, let us turn to What To Say. I think we need to kick this off early to get a head of steam going, so I think everyone needs to take, say fifteen seconds ouf of their day every day this week to say something bad about "I, Robot" in public.
Many of you should find this easy. While "I, Robot" is unlikely to be Garfield-bad or Catwoman-bad, it is still either really fucking dumb, or being advertised as such. And while I hold little hope that we can actually talk people out of going to see a Big Loud Movie where Will Smith makes quips and uses his Serious Face, we can at least maybe place some subliminal suggestions that might cause people to accidentally go see Spider-Man 2 a third time or something.
Let me provide some guidelines.
DO mention that the guy who wrote this movie wrote 'that shitty Batman movie. You know, the last one.'
DO mention that it's based on a whole bunch of long, boring books that only nerds read.*
DON'T bring up Alex Proyas. The Proyas Gambit is far too risky, because there'sa significant group of people out there who normally could be trusted to not see I, Robot. However, every time you mention Proyas, their eyes glaze over, they lick their Dark City Special Edition DVD's, and they wont' come to their senses until the caterer credit rolls past. This is not a time for your steenking auteur theory.
You have five days. That's five different bad things, and I've already given you at least two. Go forth and deride, but try to be casual about it. More ninja, less mormon.
*This is one of those things where you don't send me angry e-mails filled with your deep and abiding love for the Three Laws.