Archive - Jul 12, 2004

Your Stinking Piehole And How To Use It

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Before we begin, I'd like to officially call for a ten-year moratorium on the phrase "perp walk". Has there been, in recent history, a term that's arced from nonexistent to relevant to annoying to hateful to useless AND hateful in less time? There has not.

I mean, "perp" is bad enough when cops use it, but at least they're sort of... allowed to. They can have their own slang. But anybody else using "perp" just comes off as a wanker, and any wanker who knowingly appends "walk" is compounding their crime exponentially. Oooh, Ken Lay's in handcuffs, and he's WALKING. It's so gritty. Finally, real punishment for corporate crime, as if, at the finish line to this little display, there weren't four defense attorneys, a giant novelty bail check, and two personal assistants with a decaf latte and a warm towel waiting for Lay.

"Perp Walk" is the kind of phrase that makes today's weak-livered, low-fiber Journalist Substitutes cream themselves and make them think that the stuff they're watching and regurgitating is "news". Plus, at eight letters and two syllables, it's perfect for USA Today, and fits into a tight headline space than "pointless show of authority by the figurehead law enforcement departments who the Ken Lays of the world buy and sell eight times before breakfast". But hey. three minutes and 20 seconds of holding his hands behind his back oughta show him who's boss.

Having gotten What Not To Say out of the way, let us turn to What To Say. I think we need to kick this off early to get a head of steam going, so I think everyone needs to take, say fifteen seconds ouf of their day every day this week to say something bad about "I, Robot" in public.

Many of you should find this easy. While "I, Robot" is unlikely to be Garfield-bad or Catwoman-bad, it is still either really fucking dumb, or being advertised as such. And while I hold little hope that we can actually talk people out of going to see a Big Loud Movie where Will Smith makes quips and uses his Serious Face, we can at least maybe place some subliminal suggestions that might cause people to accidentally go see Spider-Man 2 a third time or something.

Let me provide some guidelines.

DO mention that the guy who wrote this movie wrote 'that shitty Batman movie. You know, the last one.'
DON'T mention that the guy who wrote this movie also wrote "A Beautiful Mind", because most of the people within earshot either kind of liked it or will just remember that it inexplicably won Oscars and forget about the INEXPLICABLY part.

DO mention that it's based on a whole bunch of long, boring books that only nerds read.*
DON'T add "You know. Like Lord of the Rings."
ALSO DON'T mention that they're totally fucking up the books because the books apparently don't have enough shattering glass in them. The only books people care about moviemakers not fucking up have that wizard kid in them. Applying that argument to any other book will cause them to dismiss you as a sexless pasty lump, and will likely make them want to see the movie more.

DON'T bring up Alex Proyas. The Proyas Gambit is far too risky, because there'sa significant group of people out there who normally could be trusted to not see I, Robot. However, every time you mention Proyas, their eyes glaze over, they lick their Dark City Special Edition DVD's, and they wont' come to their senses until the caterer credit rolls past. This is not a time for your steenking auteur theory.

You have five days. That's five different bad things, and I've already given you at least two. Go forth and deride, but try to be casual about it. More ninja, less mormon.

*This is one of those things where you don't send me angry e-mails filled with your deep and abiding love for the Three Laws.