Archive - Jun 2004

June 21st

The Great Game of Political Grabass

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Memo to the Democratic Party: YOU ARE DUMB.

Seriously. If you screw this up... fuck, HOW can you screw this up? How difficult can it be to make a case against an incompetent, corrupt, window-sill licking president who's done nothing but walk into walls for the past three years? Yet you seem to be having certain... difficulties. Like picking a Vice President.

See that? Stare hard at that picture, fuckos. See who that is locked in a passionate embrace with the captain of the U.S. Titanic? Yes, it's that independent maverick of integrity, John McCain. You remember McCain. He's the other half of what you called a "dream ticket", a bipartisan Kerry/McCain presidential campaign.

Of course, it was called a "dream ticket" because it was being proposed by people who need to WAKE THE FUCK UP. Maybe this picture will knock your dicks out of your hands long enough for you to realize that if you have to turn to John McCain to make up your dream ticket, you may be thoroughly hosed.

They said it would be so wonderful. Two men bridging the partisan divide, uniting the country in an orgy of peace and harmony. Which is a great theory until you remember that the Constitution wasn't written by those two hacks that churned out all the Dragonlance books. It don't work that way here on Planet Politics.

All the desperate courting of John McCain means is that the Democrats, thanks to 20 years of metaphorical inbreeding via focus groups and polling, have produced a crop of feeble, bland clones. I mean, you thought the Democratic PRIMARIES were bad? At least there you had a token woman, token black, and token right-wing nutjob in there to liven things up.

But the Democratic Veep pool? Overchlorinated. There's no life within five feet of it, anyone that goes into it is instantly bleached, and just looking at it makes you pass out. It's like an entire room full of people auditioning for the role of the "safe one" in the latest boy band. When John Edwards is the life of the party, no wonder you consider knocking on the door of the rival frat house looking for a good time.

But as you can see, the Democrats got spurned and wedgied. McCain's no "independent". He's no "maverick". He's just a guy who's found that it helps his image to spend most of his time at the end of his chain rather than the feet of his master. But anyone who thought he wouldn't heel when called has been living in a dream world.

At this point, the Democrats might as well just pick their vice president because his name sounds good next to "Kerry". Sorry, Gephardt. Nobody's going to care who it is anyway. Just start sticking names of your big-haired middle aged white guys who pretend to be 10 years younger than they are into the phrase "The Kerry-Blank Campaign" and see which one rolls off the tongue best. You'll probably swing as many states that way as Edwards can.

Pity there's not some guy in the House of Representatives named Jim Freebeer. They'd have this thing locked down by August with a Kerry-Freebeer ticket.