Archive - Jun 24, 2004
Break Out The Little Hats
24 June, 2004 - 10:12 — Bryan Lambert
They are sinners. They are blasphemers. They know not what they do, and we shall stop them.
We can't rely on the ticket-takers to turn the undeserving away. They talk of being "open", of being "tolerant", of taking "money" in exchange for "permission to view a major summer blockbuster". Well, some of us have to answer to a higher calling. We will not permit the taking of the Unholy Catwoman by anyone. Which is why I'm organizing a grass-roots direct action group to take grass-roots direct action on July 23.
We shall be known as the Ushers of the Earthakitt.
Our principle is simple. Nobody who disagrees with our One Truth shall be allowed to see Halle Berry's "Catwoman". And the One Truth is thus: Halle Berry's "Catwoman" is an utter steaming pile of shit, the worst movie of the year, and anyone who willingly attempts to go see it is fucked in the head.
This will make it very easy to identify non-believers attempting to get in to see the movie, because anyone attempting to get in to see the movie is, by definition, a nonbeliever. And is fucked in the head. No sashes necessary.
I have anticipated your questions even before you can ask them, so allow me to answer them in the kind of snide, condescending manner that only one imbued with Righteous Truth can summon up.
Will you be wearing little hats?
Of course. We are Ushers, after all. To not wear the little hats would be a disservice to all of the Ushers who have come before us. We will also have flashlights and nametags. The flashlights will be useful for pummeling those who are fucked in the head, and the nametags will all say "Ezekiel" to confuse the unwary.
Isn't this all just a bit extreme?
Could you elaborate a bit on that answer?
If you insist. Surely you hast seen unto the trailer? Pictures of the outfit? The awful Oprah birthday performance? If you haven't, then commence ye to Google, but gird your loins, because watching Halle Berry as Catwoman actually produces what doctors are calling an "inverse erection", in which the genitals retract inside the body for up to three weeks. If the trailer can do that, the full movie is likely to cause people to turn themselves inside out starting from the crotch, and nobody wants to see that happen.
What means will be used to stop the unbelievers?
Ideally, tasers. Lots and lots of tasers. However, it's possible that we may not be able to acquire enough tasers to blanket the entire country by July 23. Given the current readership of You Are Dumb Dot Net, even assuming 100% committment to the cause, each reader would have to cover 450 multiplexes in up to five states. And given the current budget for the Ushers of the Earthakitt project, each reader would have to share the same Ray-O-Vac 9-volt battery and sponge. But we have the power of right on our side, so we will prevail.
We have about a month before the beast rises. Who's with me? And what size hat do you wear?