Archive - Jun 15, 2004
Big-Eyed Psychic Taco Ninjas
15 June, 2004 - 08:15 — Bryan Lambert
Today, we clean up some odds and ends.
In a predictive shock, I was right back in March about the Supreme Court being giant pussies and allowing the whole "Under God" thing in the Pledge of Allegiance. I actually underestimated their level of weenieness, as they threw it out on a technicality, saying that the guy who was suing on behalf of his daughter didn't have the legal right to bring the lawsuit in the first place. Nice to know that the Supreme Court is afraid to take a stand on an issue, since it's not, you know, their fucking job or anything.
I mean, how difficult could this be? Hell, I passed judgment on this decisively two and a half months ago, and I'm just one guy. Plus, I've got a day job. There's nine of them, and judging stuff is all they do. Allegedly.
But I must rejoice in the correctness of my prediction, because not only did an Usher of the Eucharist e-mail me to inform me that I am going to Hell*, but now it turns out that 75% of all online anime roleplayers find You Are Dumb dull, unfunny, and blah. I'd like to thank the people at GaiaOnline for their opinions, because it provides me with important demographic information. Hopefully, in the future, I will be able to better tailor the column toward big-eyed goth schoolgirls, scarf-wearing angel-devil-moth hybrid children with sunglasses, and scarf-wearing bat-winged Eskimos with dead baby seals on their feet.
Luckily, I have managed to capture the vital torso-baring big-eyed cat-girl demo. "Funny in a way that makes you want to punch him" really needs to be worked into a new T-Shirt design or something.
One week ago today, in the capital of Iowa, a man was arrested for assault after hurling a chalupa into the face of a Taco Bell employee who had screwed up his order. The man's name? Christopher Lame. Despite the incredible comedy potential summed up in the word "chalupa" and the name "Lame"; my almost encyclopedic knowledge of the Taco Bell menu, and this occurring in Iowa, this item did not make it into a full column here at You Are Dumb. In an attempt to lay bare the inner workings of the site to appeal to the DVD-commentary-listening crowd, allow me to explain why Christopher Lame is not DUMB.
- Christopher's name is not his fault. He must have had Lame parents.
- Christopher used his Chalupa as a weapon, rather than an item of food. Anyone who's ever bitten into a Chalupa knows he made the wise choice.
- Christopher fought against the forces of DUMB. Sure, he did so in a completely inappropriate manner that got him arrested, but still. He was given the wrong item, and he did not simply drive away and force the awful chalupa down his throat. He took ACTION. In the future, I hope Mr. Lame learns to channel his anger in a more productive direction. Just as long as that direction isn't toward, say, the angry-rants-making-fun-of-idiots direction, because once I figure out how to appeal to the other three quarters of the online anime roleplayers, I'll have this fucking market SEWN UP TIGHT.
- Christopher struck while the employee wasn't looking. Which means he may be a ninja. Or at least a ninja in training, since he failed to obscure his license plate before driving away, leading to his eventual arrest and capture. You don't mess with ninjas, man. Not even in online angry-rants-making-fun-of-idiots columns. Not if you want to keep your trachea free of throwing stars.
* Technically, according to the e-mail, I'm only going to Hell if I'm a Catholic. Otherwise, I'll just be in purgatory for a very long time. The Usher never did answer the question of whether or not they wear the little hats, which is disappointing.